


We Might As Well Jump

by Caledonia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Boys In Love, Cheating, F/M, Forbidden Love, Infidelity, It's set in Scotland again because I can't help it, M/M, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-14 00:02:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia
Summary: Merlin, Gwen and Arthur have been friends for years, and Gwen and Arthur have been dating for a while as well. Which is fine, except that Merlin is totally head over heels in love with Arthur. But Merlin is quite happy to continue loving Arthur quietly in the background. Until one afternoon when everything suddenly changes.





	We Might As Well Jump

**Author's Note:**

> If I hadn't had Amy, [GuessImAClotpole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guessimaclotpole/pseuds/Guessimaclotpole) to help push me on this one, I'm not sure when, or if, it ever would have been published. I owe her so much. If you haven't read her stuff yet go and read it all, I can't think of any work of hers that I wouldn't recommend five times over. And the worst part of her pushing me to complete my own work so much is that I'm behind on reading hers! I'm a whole chapter behind on [ It's A Safeguarding Issue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15907086/chapters/37077474) which is causing me so much angst. Anyway, I love her and she deserves so much love.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any pennies from this work.
> 
> The title and the general idea of this story is lifted from a Sea Girls song, [Too Much Fun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLtQNfZZZLQ).

Gwen, Merlin’s best friend since childhood, was dating Arthur, Merlin’s best friend since he’d moved to their town in secondary school. It wasn’t awkward in the usual third-wheel sense, because both Gwen and Arthur were his best friends and they always made sure that he felt included. It was awkward because Merlin was head over heels in love with Arthur and had been since the day they met. 

Merlin had tried to cure himself of this inappropriate obsession many, many times. He’d even gone so far as to try to date other guys...which had failed in predictable ways. He just couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Arthur. This unhealthy attraction was heightened because Arthur was so fucking clueless. He consistently lead Merlin on, and it didn't help that Merlin knew Arthur had no idea he was doing it. For instance, Arthur was completely ignorant of their legs touching from knee to ankle while at the cinema with friends and the whole time Merlin struggled to control his breathing and felt every nerve in his body responding. For instance, when Arthur looked at him their eyes sometimes met in gazes that lasted for hours - Arthur probably zoned out and thinking about football scores or something while Merlin drowned in the blue of Arthur’s eyes. For instance, Arthur had put his head in Merlin’s lap one evening after school when they had been studying. He’d put his head. In Merlin’s lap. So, even though Arthur had no fucking clue, Merlin was in love with Arthur, and he thought he probably always would be.

He knew he couldn't ever act on his  feelings. Arthur and Gwen were the real thing, the fairytale romance everyone dreamed about. Merlin was just their best friend, and as their best friend he knew he needed to keep his distance.

Except...

_ “Hey, there's a midnight showing of that film you like, do you want to go?” _

_ “Wow, Arthur, could you be more vague?” _

_ “It'll just be us. Say yes.” _

_ “Well, I'm not going to say no, am I?” _

Except...

_ “Arthur, why are we spending an hour on the train just to wander through a shitty town centre when we've got our own shitty town centre closer to home?” _

_ “I just want to go somewhere full of strangers. Where no one knows me, or Gwen either.” _

_ “Why don't you want them to know about you and Gwen?” _

_ “Are you coming with me or not?” _

_ “Of course I'm coming.” _

Except…

_ “You realise everyone else has gone home?” _

_ “Lay with me.” _

_ “You're on the ground in the park, Arthur.” _

_ “Please?” _

_ “Yes, fine.” _

_ “You're cold, here take my hand, I'm warm.” _

_ “You're always warm.” _

_ “Get closer.” _

_ “Arthur!” _

_ “Please?” _

Except…

_ “Why are you at my bedroom window? Why can't you text me like a normal human being?” _

_ “Come out with me.” _

_ “Aren't you on a date with Gwen? Is she here?” _

_ “I dropped her home already. Come on.” _

_ “Where are we going?” _

_ “Ross is playing at Fanny's. Secret show, but we've got to hurry.” _

_ “I'm coming.” _

Which is how it always had been. And Merlin knew it was wrong, but he was having too much fun, so he never said no, and he never would.

[--]

A week before the end of school Arthur texted Merlin to ask whether he had the final period free that afternoon, and could Arthur get some pictures of Merlin for the school newspaper. Merlin agreed, panic texting his mother to drop off a freshly pressed shirt, as the one he was wearing might actually be Arthur's, for one thing, but definitely hadn't seen the business end of an iron in its entire life.

Merlin changed in the boy’s toilets and tied his tie slowly so that it didn’t look a mess like it usually did. The article was about his coming top of the class, so he wanted to look like someone who might come top of the class, for once.

Arthur was in the room when Merlin arrived, fixing a special lens on his camera. The room was dark, the only light coming in around the edges of the drawn blinds. Merlin set his bag down by the door and headed over to the professional looking backdrop surrounded by giant umbrella looking things which Merlin knew were flash bulb diffusers. 

“Thanks for coming down.” Arthur said, not looking up. Merlin leaned on the wooden stool, one leg stretched out long before him.

“No bother. Is it going to take long?” Merlin asked, memorising the way Arthur concentrated on the camera and wishing, not for the first time by a long shot, that Arthur would look at him like that.

“Have you revising to do, still?” Arthur asked, finally looking at Merlin, his eyes apologetic - he knew how important Merlin’s marks were to him.

“Well you don’t get to be top of the class by doing the bare minimum.” Merlin said, kind of a dig, but Arthur only smiled.

“I won’t keep you long.” Arthur promised, and turned his attention back to the camera. “I probably only need to take one picture if I’m honest, you’re so damn photogenic.” Arthur said, and Merlin laughed quietly, taken by surprise. Arthur wasn’t exactly generous with compliments, he was more the teasing, depreciating kind of friend. Merlin breathed deeply and tried to calm his sudden nerves. He was sure he was imagining the electric tension in the room, but there was nothing new about that - any time he and Arthur were ever alone together Merlin felt the air charged like this, though he knew it was only wishful thinking.

Arthur finally finished what he was doing with the camera and turned to Merlin, gesturing for him to sit on the stool which he was already leaning on. Merlin adjusted his position and smiled. Arthur smiled back then cocked his head slightly as though trying to figure something out, then an entirely different smile split his face. “Did you iron your shirt?”

“I wanted to look nice for you.” Merlin shrugged, realising what he’d said a second too late. There were a few long moments of silence  then Arthur chuckled as though at the joke Merlin was obviously making. Merlin laughed to clear the tension, and they carried on with the photographs.

“I’ll take a few to check light levels.” Arthur said, and Merlin tried to focus on the camera but, unsurprisingly, found himself focusing on the man holding the camera and he had to force his gaze back a few times as Arthur made some final adjustments. The flash bulbs went, but Merlin hardly noticed them.

“OK, that should be good - shall we start?” Arthur asked, and Merlin nodded, then looked directly at the camera and smiled. The camera clicked and the flashes went a few times in succession, and somehow the light wasn’t blinding even though the room was so dark. “Come on, now, Merlin, that’s not your real smile.” Arthur said, and Merlin felt a genuine smile spreading across his face as Arthur moved slightly closer and took three more pictures.

“That’s it.” Arthur said, smiling himself. “That one was real.” Then Arthur stepped back a few paces, lowered the camera and just stared at Merlin, camera hanging limply in his hand, lips slightly parted. His eyes narrowed as he stepped forward again, hand outstretched, and loosened the knot of Merlin's tie, then he stepped back and swallowed hard, raising the camera as though any of this was about getting a good picture anymore.

“This is better.” Arthur said, his voice leaden. The flashes went a few more times, but Merlin didn’t smile and he kept his eyes trained on Arthur. He wasn’t sure what exactly was happening but he knew he didn’t want to miss a second of it.

Arthur set the camera down and walked back towards Merlin in the almost dark room. His hands trembled as he loosened Merlin's tie completely, the silken shush of the fabric unknotting deafeningly loud between them. Every millimeter of Merlin's body felt like it was on fire with the need for Arthur to touch him, finally, but Arthur didn't.

Arthur's fingers clasped the first button of Merlin's shirt and Merlin felt the fabric shift around him as Arthur carefully pushed open Merlin's collar. Merlin sizzled with anticipation. Something was definitely happening, now. He didn’t know exactly what, but it was  _ something _ , after all this time.

Merlin could hear Arthur’s breathing become uneven as he continued to unbutton Merlin’s shirt, and Merlin’s body ached with wanting. Arthur was being so incredibly careful not to actually touch Merlin’s skin that his actions were almost suggestions, like he was removing Merlin's clothes through sheer force of will.

“Tell me to stop.” Arthur said, the low tone of his voice begging Merlin not to.

“I’m never going to.” Merlin whispered, wanting to move into Arthur’s touch, but fearing that any slight disruption might derail Arthur completely, and Merlin knew that nothing in his entire life so far was as important as letting Arthur continue with whatever it was he was doing.

A sound escaped Arthur’s lips then, and it was half moan and half exhale and Merlin’s heart was beating faster than he thought possible. Arthur grasped the edges of Merlin's collar between his thumbs and forefingers and lifted his shirt down off his shoulders until Merlin's torso was bare, then Arthur stepped back and stared at him.

Underneath such fierce appraisal Merlin felt the tension rising to an even higher pitch. Merlin could hear people walking down the corridor beyond the unlocked classroom door, and the idea of being found out was strangely thrilling. 

“What about Gw…”

“Don’t say her name.” Arthur interrupted, and it was obviously a command. Merlin knew whatever they were doing was wrong. He knew that if Gwen ever found out her heart would be broken, he also knew that he didn't care, and the thought made him burn with shame.

Arthur stepped away into the shadows and Merlin stood, unashamed, letting his best friend drink in the sight of him half clothed.

“You’re exquisite.” Arthur said, and his voice was new, almost raw.

“Don’t stop.” Merlin breathed, wanting Arthur to continue to take every last stitch of his clothing off. Wanting Arthur to touch every inch of the skin he uncovered.

Almost mindlessly, Arthur reached for the camera beside him and Merlin didn’t even flinch as the flash went. Outside the room the hallway sounded busier and Merlin knew that the final period of the day was almost over. Any second now their moment would be gone. Arthur walked back towards Merlin, still with that transfixed look on his face, and one hand outstretched. He stopped inches from Merlin.

“Touch me, Arthur.”

“I can’t.” Arthur's voice was bitter and broken and, at that very second, the bell rang. Arthur swore and looked over his shoulder towards the door to the room and, by the time he looked back, Merlin was shrugging back into his shirt.

“Merlin.” Arthur whispered, but Merlin was already gone.

[--]

They all went out that night, but Merlin didn't manage to get any time alone with Arthur, though their eyes were glued to each other all night. Merlin kept replaying the afternoon, the raw feeling of anticipation having Arthur undressing him like that. The thrill of it all being so public, the idea that they could have been caught at any second. Merlin's skin tingled every time he thought about it.

Around one in the morning Merlin found himself in his room, slightly tipsy, and undoing his tie while watching himself in the mirror when his phone started to vibrate on the edge of his desk.  _ Arthur _ .

“What are you doing right now?” Arthur whispered down the phone.

“Taking off my tie and wishing you were.” Merlin said, heady with the truth of it.

The sound that escaped Arthur's throat then dissolved any doubt that Merlin was holding on to and he, insanely, considered going straight round to Arthur's regardless of the hour.

“I have to go.” Arthur said, and Merlin could hear Gwen's voice softly in the background. “I'll see you tomorrow. Promise.”

Merlin waited for the click of the phone before climbing into bed, still wearing the shirt Arthur had taken off him earlier that day.

[--]

It was Saturday night, and the whole crew was out in the town. Except Merlin who was home revising for an exam on Monday. Merlin was far too used to this situation to let it bother him, but tonight was different. According to the clock on his bedside table, Arthur only had five more minutes to make good on his promise. Every nerve in Merlin's body felt alive with fire. If Arthur did turn up, that changed everything.

With one minute to go, Merlin's bedroom window opened. Merlin, his back to the window, barely breathed as he heard Arthur's footsteps on the carpet. Arthur stood behind him and lifted off Merlin's over ear headphones, one hand tight on Merlin's shoulder. Arthur's breathing was heavy.

“I'm trying to revise, you prat.” Merlin said, smiling. Arthur turned Merlin's chair around and let out a bitten off exclamation. Merlin was wearing only the shirt from the previous day and his boxers. Arthur took a step back as Merlin stood from the chair. They stared at each other for a long minute before Merlin spoke. “Do it again.”

Arthur obeyed. He reached out and carefully unbuttoned Merlin's shirt. This time Merlin didn't hide his feelings, and let his eyes soak in the vision of Arthur standing there so focused, eyes nearly black with desire.

“Did you keep the pictures of me?”

“Yes.”

“Have you looked at them?”

“Yes.”

“When?” Merlin inhaled as Arthur finished the button at his waist.

“Every second that I could.” 

“With her there?” Merlin asked, and now there were no more buttons and Arthur nodded as he spread the fabric to expose Merlin's bare chest.

“Yes.” Arthur swallowed, removing the shirt completely. “She was sleeping beside me.” There wasn't any guilt in Arthur's voice, just lust, pure and unadulterated.

Merlin felt glorious. He knew it was wrong, but Arthur was there in front of him and he was saying all the things Merlin wanted him to say, and Merlin didn't care.

“Don't stop.” Merlin said, the shirt falling to the floor behind him. Arthur looked towards the bedroom door. They could both hear Merlin's mum moving around downstairs. “It's not locked.” 

As Arthur reached for Merlin, the phone in his hand began to buzz. Arthur brought it to his ear and answered it without looking to see who it was.

“Hi.” Arthur said, and he kept his eyes on Merlin's exposed skin. “No, I stopped in at Merlin's.” Arthur looked up and met Merlin's eyes. “She says hi.”

“Hi Gwen!” Merlin said, loud enough to be heard on the phone. It was exhilarating beyond anything Merlin had ever experienced, standing there with Arthur, almost naked, both of them pretending nothing extraordinary was going on. Merlin doubted he'd ever been so turned on.

“Ok. I'll see you tomorrow. Night, love.” Arthur said, and he switched his phone off completely.

Then he stepped into Merlin and their lips met. They kissed with open, hungry mouths, their hands on faces and necks and running through hair. Merlin struggled to control his breathing, his chest heaving, his forced exhalations met in ferocity by Arthur, who was not only breathing like a distance runner, but trembling also. His whole body shivered, and where it came into contact with Merlin’s, their skin burned.

They whispered incoherently, desire stealing the words from them, unformed. Merlin’s head spun and he felt high and taut as a kite string. This was  _ Arthur _ that was kissing him. Arthur whose hands were moving from his neck to his shoulders, fingers following a path Merlin had wanted them to travel for years. Arthur who seemed to be coming apart completely and who, to Merlin’s eyes, had never been more beautiful. 

Merlin’s need to be completely seen overcame him, and he stepped back towards his bed, Arthur following him without seeming to notice the movement, unwilling to break the contact of their lips, hands, torsos, hips, legs, all of the parts of them that were riveted together now that they were finally touching. Merlin stopped, the backs of his legs against his bed, and he guided Arthur’s hands down his body, over his ribs and his stomach, hollowed with a deep inhale of expectation, over his too-bony hips to the hem of his boxers. Arthur’s fingers clenched, the fabric drawn between his strong fingers, and though neither of them wanted to stop kissing, they broke apart. Arthur’s eyes seared into Merlin, his irises a blue corona in the total eclipse of his desire, and then his hands began to move, and in seconds that felt like the culmination of all the years they had known each other, Arthur knelt before a naked Merlin, their eyes locked. 

Arthur rose and stepped back, the better to see Merlin’s entire body. The only light came from the open window, the amber street light painting them both in pale shadows. “You’re exquisite.” Arthur said in a low, steady whisper.

“Touch me, Arthur.” Merlin said, and he knew that, this time, nothing was going to stop them.

[--]

“Sorry, love,” Arthur said, his voice harsh with morning, “My phone died. No, I’m still at Merlin’s actually.”

Merlin removed his lips from Arthur’s skin only long enough to say, “Morning Gwen!”, then returned to his explorations. 

“Yeah I stayed to help him revise, and we ended up falling asleep.” Arthur said, then gasped loudly as Merlin’s tongue dipped into his belly button. Merlin laughed, low and quiet, but he did not stop moving lower as Arthur turned the gasp into a cough. “I can come round this afternoon if you like? Yeah, ok. Hold on, I’ll ask.” Then Arthur held the phone away from his mouth and directed his question at Merlin, “Dinner at Gwen’s?” 

“Don’t know if I’ll be hungry.” Merlin whispered, taking Arthur’s shaft into his mouth and sucking hard, his tongue moving mercilessly. Arthur muttered something incomprehensible into the crook of his elbow, then went back to Gwen.

“He says yes. I’ll see you later, yeah? Ok. Bye, love.” Arthur checked twice to make sure the call had been terminated then switched his phone off again, just to be sure. After which he devoted all of his attention to Merlin, and they took each other apart in the crisp light of early morning, 

[--]

Dinner at Gwen’s was the usual rowdy affair. Her older brother was home, and he was so full of energy that he seemed to take up three places at the table. Merlin sat next to Arthur, their knees glued together under the table, and, for the first time, Merlin knew that he wasn’t the only one physically affected by the closeness. The knowledge of what they had done, of what they had spent the whole night and morning doing, was heavy in Merlin’s mind. The pleasure chasing away any guilt he might have felt. But Gwen was beautiful, and as kind as ever, and he knew that, regardless of what had transpired between them in the last day, Arthur was still Gwen’s boyfriend, and they were likely going to still wed.

It was difficult for Merlin to feel any sadness about this at the precise moment, but he knew he would feel the agony of it later and often.

In the meantime their lives would continue to unfold, regardless of infidelity, indecision, indulgence, or ineffability. 

[--]

Merlin’s last week of school was a long stretch of torture interrupted by surprising bursts of perfection. Merlin sat his last exam first thing on Monday morning, but the rest of the week was an inconsequential blur of leaving activities with little actual school. As Head Boy and Girl, Merlin and Gwen were spending a lot of time together - halfway through the week Gwen joked that maybe she should start dating Merlin with how little she was seeing Arthur these days. Merlin laughed, but he didn’t agree in the slightest - Arthur was  _ everywhere _ . Every time Merlin’s eyes wandered, Arthur was looking back at him. Every time Merlin sought solitude, Arthur was there, and they kissed and shook and sighed against each other in bathrooms, deserted classrooms, and empty corridors. 

The article with Arthur’s picture of Merlin came out mid-week, and Merlin burned with desire every time he saw it, remembering that afternoon which felt like years ago, so much had happened since then. He closed his eyes and he remembered the charged, challenging look in Arthur’s eyes daring Merlin to stop him.

Everyone in the year seemed to have something to say about the photo, shocked that Merlin had ironed his shirt and that he had managed to look semi presentable. They indicated Merlin’s permanently crumpled button downs every time, and Merlin remembered Arthur’s hands fisted at his collar behind the bike shed before the bell rang that morning, or the fabric of Merlin’s shirt pushed roughly up as Arthur’s hands caressed his skin at the back of the library during morning break. Every time a classmate mentioned the photo Merlin remembered the ones Arthur had taken after it, the half-dressed proof of Arthur’s hidden need.

Arthur was busy, as well, and they saw each other rarely, their lustful groping in secret recesses of the school grounds notwithstanding. So when the final day of school arrived, Merlin was glad to see the back of it. Ahead of him he had six blissful weeks of nothing at all to do before Uni started in the fall, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do with all of that free time. 

He wanted to do Arthur. 

[--]

Gwen came round to Merlin’s house after the final day of school. The whole year was going out down the town, so Gwen sat on the edge of Merlin’s bed, holding a compact mirror and doing her makeup. She was full of gossip and discussions of summer plans and Merlin tried his best to join in her excitement, but he was distracted by a confused mixture of emotions. He felt guilt at what he and Arthur were doing, sure, but it was difficult to feel too bad about it when it made him so happy. Then, when he thought about Arthur he was overcome with lust, however wrong that was for him to feel in Gwen’s company. And thinking about that made him feel guilty, again. 

As Merlin watched Gwen apply her mascara, something he'd seen her do a thousand times, including the night of her first date with Arthur, the enormity of his and Arthur’s betrayal suddenly became clear, and shame burned through him, leaving his feelings for Arthur in smouldering ruins.

What were he and Arthur thinking? Gwen was just too lovely for this sort of betrayal. Gwen had been his best friend since childhood, had been with him through everything. Merlin couldn’t even remember a time that they had argued, about anything, ever, let alone anything serious. The wrongness of what he and Arthur were doing blazed up inside him, and he could easily picture a future where Gwen had found out, her face streaked with tears that he and Arthur had caused. The thought was dreadful, and Merlin, nearly forgetting Arthur’s existence, knew he had to do whatever he could in his power to stop a future like that from transpiring.

And there was only one thing for it - Merlin would have to stop fooling around with Arthur. He would tell Arthur tonight, somehow. He would break Arthur off from the crowd and he would put an end to their affair.

Except every time Merlin imagined breaking Arthur away from the crowd, the two of them ended up naked together. How was Merlin meant to survive the next six weeks without repeating his treachery at any (and every) given moment? Neither he nor Arthur had commitments over the summer, but Gwen, he knew, was working and volunteering. She had a full schedule almost every day. Which left Merlin and Arthur together, without her. If Merlin were to remain here, he knew that Gwen and Arthur would be split up within two weeks’ time. There was no way he and Arthur would be able to keep their affair a secret over the long six weeks of summer.

So Merlin would leave. He would rise early tomorrow morning, and he would leave for Glasgow without Arthur or Gwen. And the six weeks spent away from their company would give him some perspective.

Feeling equally better and more miserable, Merlin accompanied Gwen on their night out.

[--]

Things did not exactly go to plan.

Before the first round of drinks had been served Arthur and Merlin were pressed together out the back door of the pub. Arthur ground against him and Merlin, breathless, tried to explain the thoughts he had had earlier that night. However it was rather difficult to feel any distinct shame when Arthur’s hand was down the front of his trousers.

“I'm leaving for Glasgow tomorrow.” Merlin tried, gasping as Arthur’s fingers circled him tightly, and Merlin's train of thought wrecked itself against the solid wall of pure need that he became when alone with Arthur.

Merlin felt like everyone's eyes were on him and Arthur when they returned, flush and breathless, to the crowd. Without even pausing Merlin said he'd forgotten his phone and his mum had driven as far as the train station, and he and Arthur had raced to get there first. It turned into a hilarious story, and under the table, and under everyone's eyes, Arthur's hand spent the night creeping up Merlin's thigh.

[--]

With a renewed sense of purpose the next morning Merlin threw everything he owned into two cardboard boxes, a bin bag, and a suitcase, and his tearful mother drove him to Glasgow. It was a gloriously sunny, and the perfect day to start over. He told everyone who asked that he wanted to get a job before the students returned for the new term, after which time the market would be flooded with people looking for part time work. They all praised him for his forward thinking. If only they knew.

When he was alone in the flat a few hours later he felt more secure in his decision than ever. The flat had been purchased and furnished by Arthur's father as an investment, and the three of them were planning to live here for the next four years at least. Merlin had taken the smallest of the three bedrooms, upstairs off the mezzanine level. The largest bedroom would be for Arthur and Gwen. The room next to theirs would be empty. Merlin did this for his sanity - he could only imagine (more vividly, now) what Gwen and Arthur got up to in their bed at night, but he couldn’t bring himself to be in the room next door. What if he heard them? The thought made him want to vomit. 

Which was ridiculous, because Gwen and Arthur belonged together, and everyone,  _ everyone _ , knew it. Including him.

As Merlin stood in the doorway of what would be their room, he thought about Arthur and Gwen. Merlin had always known they were the real thing. He'd known since their first date when neither of them could stop talking about the other. He'd been privy to both sides of that conversation. They worked so well together, and they always would. What he and Arthur were doing now wasn't real. It was normal to want to experiment at this age, and who better to experiment with than your already openly gay best friend? Someone you knew, someone who knew you, someone who would keep your experiments a secret until the day he died. And Merlin got to spend a solid week having sex with the person he desperately loved. It was win-win. Except for the betrayal. But that wasn't real, either. Arthur belonged to Gwen, everyone knew that. Merlin was only borrowing. 

[--]

By Tuesday Merlin had picked up a bar job in Ashton Lane. It was walking distance to everything he needed, the pay was good, and there were two extremely good looking older supervisors that Merlin got to inconspicuously stare at when they weren't busy. Their names were Gwaine and Lance, and they seemed to enjoy his company even though he was younger, and totally clueless about bartending. On Friday they were closing together, and Merlin's sides were sore from laughing. By the Saturday lunch shift, Merlin was sure he'd made two friends that would last the rest of his life.

Returning home to the empty flat after his shifts was beginning to get him down. Arthur hadn’t tried to get in touch. Gwen was too busy to get back to him, and the rest of the people he’d seen almost daily less than a week ago might as well have not existed. On Sunday Merlin had the night off, and he spent it wishing he’d gone back home to attend his graduation ceremony. Gwen would be giving the speech, and everyone would be there. But Merlin knew it was all for the best. He was here to get some perspective.

It just so happened that perspective was lonely. And staying away was working, because he knew now how his life would be without his two best friends in it. This feeling of having not a soul to talk to was not at all how Merlin wanted to live his life. And Gwen and Arthur had both always been Merlin’s someone to talk to. He wouldn’t do anything further to endanger his friendships with either of them. So at least he’d made up his mind about that.

And while his mind was made up, his hormones were not. He thought about Arthur pretty much constantly. Arthur’s hands and tongue, his lips and his, well, his everything. More often than not, on an evening, (or a dull mid-morning)(or pre-dawn)(or lunch break), Merlin would bring his phone out, log into his secured folder, and scroll through some of the photos he and Arthur had taken together. There were no clothes, just skin and heat and longing. It was what kept Merlin going when he couldn’t sleep for the memory of Arthur sneaking in his window. He knew those were the only photos he would ever have of Arthur like that, and they were a treasure to him.

So Merlin began his second week on his own. He was surviving. He’d been to the Uni to introduce himself to his lecturers, and ask whether there was anything he could do now to get ahead of the coursework when it came. He’d been kindly laughed at by most of his professors, who were still reeling from the end of the last year and weren’t anywhere close to having lessons planned for the next one. So Merlin worked, and he came home to an empty flat, and he did both of these things on repeat.

Until, one midnight, he came home and the flat was not empty.

[--]

“So you have a job, then?” Arthur asked, stepping into the hallway from the kitchen. Merlin startled and dropped his keys on the floor, the door standing open behind him. Arthur looked good. He looked really good. Although it had only been a week since they had seen each other, they had never been apart for so long, and the distance had definitely made Merlin’s heart grow fonder.

“What are you doing here?” Merlin asked, picking his keys up and locking the door behind them, if only to give him something to do.

“Gwen sent me to make sure you’re OK. She says she’s worried about you here all by yourself, could I stay tonight and check on you, then go back and let her know. She said she’d come herself, but she’s too busy.”

“I’m fine.” Merlin lied. “I got a job, I’m eating my fruits and vegetables. It’s almost like I’m all grown up.” 

Arthur sort of half chuckled, but his eyes were glued to Merlin and Merlin felt the familiar tug of Arthur’s gravitational pull. Arthur’s face was a Jackson Pollock painting of emotion, as though someone had transcribed Merlin’s own feelings onto him. 

“I’m fine.” Merlin said again, because he felt like it needed repeating. 

“Well, I’m not.” Arthur said, shaking his head. He took a step towards where Merlin stood, and Merlin tried to back away from him but the door was there.

“What do you mean?” Merlin asked, though he knew exactly what Arthur meant.

“I can’t stop thinking about you, Merlin. I don’t want to stop thinking about you.”

Merlin’s entire body thrilled to hear Arthur saying these words. But he was in Glasgow for a reason. “Arthur, do you know what you’re saying? Are you having some sort of sexuality crisis? Because you’re not gay.” Merlin stepped past Arthur and walked up the stairs to the room he had made his own. He kicked his shoes off under his bed and bent to remove each of his socks. Arthur followed him and found a new doorway to stand in.

“No.” Arthur said, and there was something in his voice that made Merlin look at him, “I don’t think I am gay. I think it’s just you. I just want to be with you.”

Merlin stood, barefoot and in the middle of unbuttoning his jeans, unwilling to look around at Arthur. Arthur’s words had speared into him, made him remember the half-mumbled confessions of love that Arthur had expressed during their one week together, confessions that Merlin had locked away in his memory, but had mostly chalked up to heat-of-the-moment platitudes. 

“Are you going to break up with Gwen?” The question was out of Merlin’s mouth before he could stop himself.

“No. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

“This is insane, Arthur.” Merlin said, shucking off his jeans and folding them over the back of a chair. He could hear Arthur’s breathing tumble into irregularity, and he took off his shirt, wanting more than anything for Arthur to touch him, even though that was exactly what he knew he shouldn't want. It was that afternoon in the photography studio all over again. 

“I think I might be in love with you, Merlin.” Arthur said, and Merlin looked at him and was surprised to see that he looked scared. 

“You can’t say these things to me, Arthur.” 

“I mean it. I can’t stop thinking about you. All the time. When I’m alone, when I’m with my family, when I’m with her.”

“Stop, Arthur! Stop! That’s my best friend you’re talking about.”

“I know that. Believe me, I know that. But I can’t stop.”

“You need to leave, Arthur.” Merlin said, gesturing towards the stairs that lead down and to the front door of the flat. “I came to Glasgow early to get away from you. So we could get some distance and some perspective. So we could end whatever is happening between us. You need to leave.”

“I can’t go home tonight, I promised Gwen I would stay, she’ll never forgive me.”

“If you stay with me tonight you know that we’re going to do something for which Gwen would really never forgive you.”

“You still,” Arthur shifted his weight from one foot to another, cleared his throat, “You still want to do those things with me?” It was because of the sadness and fear in Arthur's voice that Merlin decided to tell the truth. The real truth. 

“Of course I do, Arthur. I've been in love with you since the day we met. There’s never been anyone else. I compare everyone with you, and I always will.”

It was all the encouragement Arthur needed. He crossed the room faster than Merlin would have thought possible, and then his hands were on Merlin, warm and rough and everything that Merlin needed or wanted in the world. And they were kissing like their lives depended on it. Every thought of Gwen and of morality and good or bad melted in the heat between them. 

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore.” Arthur managed to stutter as Merlin undressed him with inhuman speed. He needed Arthur to be as naked as he was, and he needed it now.

“I left  _ because _ I want you.” Merlin said, and after that there was no more talking.

[--]

In the morning Arthur made them toast and they got crumbs all over Merlin’s bed. The toast was slightly burnt like Merlin liked it, and Merlin thought that he’d never been so happy. But their happiness came at a price, and it was a price that Merlin still wasn’t willing to pay. So, when he finished his tea, he turned to Arthur, determined to have the conversation he didn’t want to have.

“What’s going to happen in five weeks, then? When Gwen moves in?” Merlin asked. Arthur swilled the remains of his tea around the bottom of his mug, but didn’t answer, so Merlin went on. “What’s going to happen in four years, when we’re done with our degrees, and you and Gwen are ready to get married?”

Arthur still didn't answer. Merlin knew these questions had disastrous answers, and he, himself, didn’t want to think about them. But it would be harder to quit Arthur in five weeks than it would be to quit him now, even though quitting now would be the hardest thing Merlin ever did. So he made the questions even more difficult.

“What happens when I meet someone else? Someone who wants to marry me, too.”

The change in Arthur was immediate. He went tense as a steel rod, splashing the dregs of his tea onto the duvet cover as he jerked like he’d been shocked by an electric current. It was clear that he'd never thought of that scenario, and the injustice of it stung.

“I deserve more than this, Arthur. I deserve someone who will take me out and buy me dinner and gifts. Introduce me to their parents. I don't deserve to be anyone's  _ secret _ .”

“I don't  know how to fix this.” Arthur admitted, and Merlin had to turn towards him to check, because it sounded like there were tears in his eyes. And there were. “I am in love with you. I don't want that to be a secret.”

“But you're going to marry her.”

There was silence so absolute the world may just have stopped spinning. Then Arthur nodded, “Yes.”

Merlin nodded along, trying to decide how badly he wanted to hurt. How worth his future pain could his current pleasure be? The answer, he supposed, was a lot. Because he didn't want Arthur to leave. He wanted Arthur to stay as long as he could. He wanted them to use up every second they had left before Arthur became a husband, and became truly off limits.

So Merlin climbed over him and kissed his tears away.

“Let's make the most of the time we have, then.” 

[--]

The next week of Merlin's life was a bizarre mixture of anticipation, loneliness, and inappropriate heat. Arthur was back home with Gwen, but he was packing to move into the flat at the weekend, for the specific purpose of spending as much time with Merlin as he could before Uni started. Then there were the pictures Arthur was sending. Merlin didn't dare send Arthur photos of himself in case Gwen saw Arthur's phone, but Arthur was making up for it by sending plenty of his own. They ranged from teasing shots of Arthur with his hand down his trousers to full frontal mirror shots, and Merlin was inevitably in public when they came through.

So, by the time Arthur arrived at the flat on Saturday afternoon, Merlin was as tightly-wound as a guitar string, and ready to snap. He was ready to devour Arthur where he stood. Which was a shame, because Gwen had come along with Arthur to help him get settled in.

“Gwen!” Merlin smiled, hugging her tightly. He had missed her just as much as he had missed Arthur, though differently. She was full of laughter and she buzzed about the flat like an over excited bumblebee, opening each of the windows and smiling at the people passing by on the street below. She was astounded that Merlin had managed to keep the flat so clean on his own, and she was pleased with all of the items he had bought for the flat, especially the purple flowered teapot that he’d picked up at a charity shop on Byres Road. Purple was her favourite colour.

“The place looks wonderful, Merlin!” Gwen gushed, settling herself next to Merlin on the sofa. “It looks so cozy and lived in.” She sipped her tea and smiled. Gwen was one of those people that was just effortlessly happy all of the time. And Merlin loved her for it. But it also made him seethe with shame and apology.

A feeling that was watered down slightly every time he looked at Arthur to see Arthur’s expectant, burning look. Then Merlin would blush and turn away, then begin to feel guilty again. When Gwen finally left that evening Merlin was, once again, a confusing swirl of emotions. For about the millionth time in the four short weeks since the afternoon photography session that had started this entire fiasco, Merlin tried to be strong enough to end things.

“Arthur, I really think we need to stop this. Did you see Gwen?” Merlin said, walking into the living room having locked the front door behind Gwen.

Arthur was naked on the sofa. 

And all of Merlin’s resolve left him.

Again.

[--]

Afterwards, Merlin left Arthur behind, still naked on the sofa, and walked naked into the kitchen to make them a cup of tea. Arthur was humming contentedly, and Merlin couldn’t stop the smile that was plastered on his face, not even when he saw Gwen’s discarded teacup in the sink. It was so difficult to feel guilty when the sex was so amazing.

Arthur’s voice came through from the lounge, “Merlin, why have you deleted my number from your phone?” 

“Are you taking nude selfies again?” Merlin asked, laughing.

“Why did you delete my number?” Arthur asked again, and he sounded quite put-out, so Merlin took pity on him.

“I just renamed you.” Merlin said, then he waited while Arthur scrolled through his contacts.

“ _ DO NOT TOUCH. BAD MERLIN _ ?” Arthur shouted, laughing under the stern tone of voice.

“Well, someone had to try and stop us.” Merlin muttered, quietly enough that Arthur may not have heard him.

From the lounge Merlin could hear Arthur mumbling “bad Merlin” in a questioning way, and he chuckled. When he turned around with the cups of tea, Arthur was leaning in the kitchen doorway.

“ _ Have _ you been bad,  _ Mer _ lin?” Arthur asked, and the look on his face told Merlin that whatever the next few hours had in store, it was nothing that Merlin had ever experienced in his life. He set down the cups of tea and ran from the kitchen, trying to evade Arthur who, laughing, followed him up the stairs to his bedroom.

[--]

Arthur and Merlin spent all of their free time in bed together. It was bliss beyond anything Merlin had ever dreamed of, despite years of concerted effort at dreaming. Arthur also managed to get a job at the same bar that he worked at, and, although they weren’t scheduled on the same shifts that often, they managed to spend some time together outside of the bedroom as well.

Arthur, Gwaine and Lance were becoming good friends as well, though Merlin was sure Gwaine, at least, was only loyal to Arthur as far as Merlin was concerned, and that if Merlin and Arthur, for whatever reason, ceased to be friends, Gwaine would not go out of his way to see him again. It was a strange and comfortable feeling for Merlin, who knew that he was going to need good friends outside of Arthur to console him when his heart was broken in less than two weeks, and Gwaine and Lance were as good of friends as he could hope for.

Try as he might to stop time from passing, pass it did, and before they knew it there was only a week left of their time together before Gwen travelled up to Glasgow. Both Arthur and Merlin requested less shifts at work, saying they wanted to get into their term-time schedules sooner rather than later, but in reality they just wanted to stay in and shag. Which they did.

They had turned Merlin’s small bedroom into a strange and wonderful den of iniquity, and they left only to attend to other, less thrilling, physical needs. Within the flat they were never clothed, strolling from room to room trailing each other, skin constantly touching. The blinds drawn against nosy neighbours, there was a constant, twilight air to the flat, and Merlin had never been happier.

Sometime during Arthur’s first week in Glasgow they had taken to turning their phones off as soon as they entered the flat, a habit they explained to Gwen by saying that they didn’t get the greatest signal, and they were best to only call her from work. Arthur claimed that he had contacted the mobile phone company to see about fixing the nearest signal tower, and when Arthur took up a cause like this, it was never long before it was fixed. Which meant that when Gwen arrived and magically had a perfect phone connection, they had a ready-made reason why.

The upshot of all of this lying through their teeth was that neither of them had spoken to Gwen for longer than ten minutes since Arthur arrived in Glasgow. Which meant they were very surprised when she showed up with her suitcases three days before they thought she would.

“Merlin? Arthur?” Are either of you home?” Arthur looked up, startled. They were lying naked in Merlin’s bed, just enjoying each other’s company and listening to music. Arthur launched himself off the bed and began to throw clothes on. Merlin, knowing that if he tried to dress that fast someone would lose an eye, tried to think the situation through, calmly. 

“Arthur, stop.” Merlin whispered, rising to grab Arthur’s arms even as he was trying to squeeze into Merlin’s far too small for him skinny jeans. “Be as quiet as possible, ok?  _ You’re not here _ . I’m here, but indecent and I’ll be down in a minute. Then I’ll distract Gwen, help her get her bags in, and you will walk as quietly as possible down the stairs and to the front door. Which you will then walk through as though just arriving. OK?”

Arthur looked as though he might throw up, but Merlin kissed him quickly and walked to his bedroom door, opened it, and shouted down, “I’m here, Gwen, just getting dressed. I’ll be down in a minute - make yourself at home!”

Gwen’s giggle trailed up the stairs and over the edge of the mezzanine, and Merlin was simultaneously happy to hear it, and absolutely terrified. He threw on his clothes, taking his jeans from Arthur who was sitting on the edge of Merlin’s bed staring in to space as though he didn’t quite know what to do with himself. As he went to leave the room Arthur grabbed his wrist and Merlin turned back to him. Arthur stood and stepped as close to Merlin as possible without touching him.

“It can’t be over, Merlin. Not now.” His voice was quiet, but strong, and he swallowed over his emotions. When he spoke next there were tears in his eyes. “I’m not ready to lose you. To lose this.” 

Merlin kissed him then, pouring into Arthur all the love he felt, and had felt for as long as he could remember. The kiss was heavy and desperate and meaningful and the last time they would ever kiss. Ever. Because Gwen being back was the end of everything.

Merlin stepped away from Arthur, wiped the tears out of his eyes, cleared his throat and left his room. Behind him Arthur crumpled, face in his hands, onto the end of Merlin’s bed. And Merlin went downstairs to see Arthur’s girlfriend, his future wife, to help her unpack her belongings into Arthur’s room, and to make her a cup of tea and welcome her to their new home.

[--]

The next few days were torture. Arthur and Gwen playing the recently reunited happy couple, and Merlin wishing he had never met either of them. He asked for extra shifts at work (most of the shifts that Arthur had requested off), and he went back to see his advisor again asking if there was,  _ please _ , any work that he could get started with. Taking pity on him, his advisor handed him a list of books he could possibly start reading, and Merlin headed straight to the library. 

So he worked, and Gwaine took him out for lunch and for drinks after their shifts ended, sensing something was wrong but not wanting to pry. Then, when he was not at work, he locked himself into his mezzanine level bedroom and he read. And he tried not to think about what Arthur and Gwen were getting up to. Where they went when they weren’t home. What they did when they were in their room together. He ignored their invitations to dinners and for evenings spent in front of the telly. He knew that his isolation couldn’t carry on much longer without Gwen becoming seriously worried about his mental health, so he knew he would need to reintegrate into their society before too long, but he stayed away as much as he could, while he could.

The problem was that Arthur was happy. Despite what he had said to Merlin the afternoon that Gwen had arrived, despite their final, aching kiss, Arthur was happy. From the mezzanine level Merlin could hear them talking, and he could hear the smile in Arthur’s voice. And it broke him. He had known this was coming, and had promised himself that it was worth it, but it was hard for him to acknowledge that now, when all he wanted to do was take introspective walks after dark and wonder why he wasn’t good enough. And if he would ever find someone else in his entire life that he cared about as much as Arthur. And if he was going to be this alone forever.

[--]

When the term started, Gwen insisted that he accompany her and Arthur to the Freshers’ Fair at the QMU. She said it wouldn’t be right for him to miss it. She even stomped her foot, which cemented Merlin’s resolve. He wouldn’t disappoint Gwen.

What a ridiculous thing for him to think.

So they went to the fair, and Merlin actually enjoyed himself. Gwen insisted that their first stop be the gay/straight alliance, because she had decided that what Merlin needed was a boyfriend. Everyone was welcome in the alliance, you didn’t have to be queer, so Gwen and Arthur signed up as well, showing support for their gay flatmate, apparently. All Merlin could think about was how much Arthur enjoyed fucking Merlin, and having Merlin fuck him, and he wondered whether Arthur was remembering that as well as he pinned a rainbow badge to his jumper.

To Merlin and Arthur’s surprise they met Lance at an environmental table, asking students to sign a pledge to reduce their plastic usage and waste. Merlin hadn’t realised he was still a student, he seemed much, much older than them. He had a brief conversation with Merlin and Arthur where he confirmed that he was, in actuality, only two years older than them, before being sidetracked by a highly-interested Gwen who wanted to know where she could find resources to help her lower her plastics usage. 

Arthur and Merlin stood next to each other. Merlin felt awkward, and he held the elbow closest to Arthur in his other hand, pulling his body away from where it might bump into Arthur. He didn’t think he could handle touching him, feeling that fire between them.

Arthur kept trying to meet his eye, but Merlin pretended to be interested in all of the booths surrounding them, not really looking at all.

In the end Merlin dragged Gwen away from Lance and onto the next booth, because he couldn’t stand being that close to Arthur and not being with him. Then Merlin made an excuse and buggered off home to their flat, stopping on his way at an off license. He wasn’t normally a heavy drinker, but he wanted to turn off his emotions for one night, just one fucking night, so he started drinking as soon as he got home, messaged Gwaine to see if he was working, and, before Gwen and Arthur got home from the Freshers’ Fair, Merlin was dressed, drunk, and headed to a club.

[--]

When Merlin woke up the next morning he was hungover, mostly naked, and not in his own room. Panic flooded him, and he spent a few moments trying to listen to his body to figure out whether he had had drunken sex, but it didn’t feel like he had. Which was a relief, because he couldn’t remember much of his evening after the line of shots he and Gwaine had done.

Gwaine. Who was sleeping in the bed beside him, spread out like a starfish. Merlin did another mental check of his body - he definitely didn’t feel like he had had sex, but why else would he be in bed, mostly naked, next to a mostly naked Gwaine?

Merlin, giving up hope in his hungover detective skills, wandered Gwaine’s room in the gloomy light sneaking past his closed curtains, and tried to find his clothes. They were folded neatly on top of the chest of drawers, with the contents of his pockets piled neatly next to them. Merlin dressed as quietly as possible, then put his money, cards, and keys back in his pockets. His phone didn’t react when he tried to turn it on and he realised the battery must be dead. He wondered whether he should wake Gwaine or just try and find his way home on his own, a choice that was taken away from him when Gwaine groaned into wakefulness just as Merlin was sitting down to pull his shoes on.

“Morning, sunshine.” Gwaine said, through a massive yawn.

“Yeah, I guess.” Merlin muttered. 

Gwaine laughed, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, taking the two aspirin that were on his bedside table and drinking the entire glass of water that sat beside them. Merlin noticed there were two tablets on his bedside table, as well as a full glass of water, too. “You should take those, and drink that. It’ll help with the hangover.” Gwaine said, as he swung himself out of bed. “I’ll tell you one thing, though, for a skinny bastard, you can sure drink.”

Merlin barked out a half laugh, taking the aspirin as Gwaine had directed. The water felt cool and refreshing, and Merlin swallowed the whole pint without pausing for breath. Gwaine laughed again.

“Would you like me to fill in the finer details?” Gwaine joked as he rose and dressed. Merlin closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Do I want you to?” 

“Well, maybe. Let’s find out. You’re just lucky I’m such a good friend, and that Percival is so understanding. Now, where do I start?”

“Who is Percival?” Merlin asked, fear creeping over him. He had vague recollections of a massive bloke with arms the size of tree trunks. 

“Percy is my husband. Whose place in bed you usurped last night when I was afraid to let you sleep alone in case you got sick and choked to death. Now, do you want the whole story or just the highlights?”

“Highlights, please, and hurry.” Merlin said, feeling absolutely mortified.

“You drank your body weight in hard liquor, spent a good deal of time denouncing an unknown ‘Him’ as a heartless bastard that you didn’t care to see ever again, but an equal amount of time wondering whether you’re defective in some fundamental way and on the verge of tears. Then, when you started approaching random men in the club and asking whether they’d snog you so you could get a nice, juicy selfie to send to someone, I decided we’d had enough fun for the night, and I brought you home.”

Merlin wanted to vanish on the spot. He remembered Arthur’s possessiveness, and his unwillingness to admit that, someday, Merlin might meet someone who didn’t want to keep him a secret, and he wondered, dimly, whether he’d managed to send that selfie.

“How can I thank you for being such a good friend?” Merlin muttered, his face hidden in his hands. 

“You can start,” said a much lower voice than Gwaine’s, and Merlin looked up to see the tree trunks guy in the door to the bedroom, “by promising us that if you ever intend to get that drunk again, you’ll invite us along to make sure you don’t kill yourself.”

“And you can end with telling me who this bloke is that broke your heart so badly, where I can find him, and whether he has any allergies I could use to lead him to an early grave.” Gwaine added as he stood and folded himself into Percy’s massive arms. Percy kissed the top of Gwaine’s curly head and smiled.

“My man doesn’t like getting his hands dirty.” Percy said, smiling. Something inside Merlin began to burn at the sight of them looking so completely happy, and he hastily thanked them and made his way home, deciding to walk rather than take a cab. Maybe the fresh morning air would make him feel less miserable.

[--]

Merlin tried to shut the door quietly, and though he wanted nothing more than a steaming cup of tea, he opted to head straight for his bedroom rather than wake either Arthur or Gwen, who were no doubt still sleeping. He had climbed only three steps when Arthur appeared, his face white, and cornered Merlin on the landing.

“Where the  _ fuck _ have you been?” Arthur demanded, his face inches from Merlin’s. It didn’t look like he had slept well. Part of Merlin was glad about that, but mostly, he was angry. Who did Arthur think he was to demand to know Merlin’s whereabouts?

“I don’t actually think that’s any of your business.” Merlin said, and Arthur’s anger ratcheted into rage. Merlin wondered whether Arthur was going to hit him. He wondered whether Gwen was home, and what she thought of Arthur’s totally over the top reaction.

“Was he good? Huh?” Arthur asked, and his hand closed, vice like, around Merlin’s wrist. Merlin let out a gasp of shock and pain. “The guy you were with. Was he good?” Then Arthur’s voice cracked, and he said, “Was he better than me?”

And all at once Merlin saw through Arthur’s anger to the pain and the insecurity he was trying so hard to mask. He wanted to comfort Arthur, to hold him and explain that there would never be anyone Merlin loved more, not in his entire life. But he couldn’t say those things any more. Arthur was going to marry Gwen, he belonged to Gwen. Merlin had just been borrowing, and their time was up.

He wanted to get angry back, to shout at Arthur and remind him that all of this was Arthur’s fault in the first place. Merlin would have quite happily gone on loving Arthur in secret for eternity, but then Arthur had had to go on and love him back. Which turned everything to shit.

But he couldn’t get angry at Arthur. He couldn’t. All he could do was lean in and whisper, so quietly that Arthur had to stop breathing to hear him, “There won’t ever be anyone as good as you, Arthur.” Then Merlin took a step back and watched Arthur’s anger collapse into desperate sadness, “I was at Gwaine’s house. We went out for drinks, it was late and I was drunk. He and his husband let me stay over.”

“I’ve been calling you, all night. I didn’t know where you were. I didn’t know anything.” Arthur said, and he brought Merlin’s wrist to his mouth and he kissed the red mark his fingers had left behind, and Merlin’s reaction to that small attention was utterly ridiculous. He melted. He simply melted. And all of his jealousy and his negativity disappeared completely. “I can’t lose you, Merlin.” Arthur said, finally, pressing a kiss to the jutting bone in Merlin’s wrist. 

“Arthur, I’ve told you and I’ve told you. I will always be yours. I love you, and that isn’t going to change any time soon. I think even when I manage to move on and meet someone else I’m still going to love you. I’m yours. I’m all yours.”

Arthur softened with each word that Merlin spoke, and his eyes began to light again with something like happiness. Then Merlin pushed Arthur’s hands away to his own chest, and disentangled his hand from Arthur’s grasp.

“The problem is, you’re not mine. You’re hers.” And before he could cry in front of Arthur again, he turned and walked up to his bedroom, locking the door behind him.

As he threw himself, anguished, onto his bed, he heard Arthur standing outside his bedroom, and he heard Arthur’s hand against the door, trying to reach Merlin even though he knew he couldn’t.

But things changed after that. Merlin knew now that the reappearance of Gwen in their lives had not erased Arthur’s desire for him, and the fact that Arthur was just as miserable as he was made Merlin a bizarre kind of happy.

And his behaviour changed along with his attitude. He came back out of his shell. He went to class with a spring in his step. He accepted invitations to events that didn’t clash with his work schedule. He flirted with people to get tips at the bar again, and he didn’t even care if he was doing it in front of Arthur. His behaviour was so changed that Gwaine noticed immediately.

“Either he’s taken you back or you’re shagging someone new.” Gwaine laughed, as he, Merlin, and Arthur closed the bar. Merlin saw Arthur’s ears prick up like a dog on a hunt, but he ignored him. 

“Neither.” Merlin said, smiling and bumping shoulders with Gwaine. Gwaine laughed and shook his head like he didn’t believe a word of it, but Merlin continued, “He’s with somebody else, actually he always was, and he’s gone back to them.”

“Merlin, you shameless hussy! Trust you to be someone’s bit on the side, you gorgeous bastard.” Gwaine said as he clapped Merlin on the shoulder like he was proud of him. Arthur rearranged bottles and cleaned shelves silently, not looking at anyone.

“So why the smiles?” Gwaine said, “The other night you were ruined with despair.”

“I realised it doesn’t change how he feels about me. I want what isn’t mine. But he wants me, too. Just because he’s gone back to her, that doesn’t change anything.”

Arthur kept scrubbing the shelves, not looking at any of them, “What makes you so sure he still wants you? If he’s gone back to her?” Arthur asked, and he and Merlin looked at each other as though there was no one else there.

Merlin managed a shrug. “I just know.” He said, and he turned his gaze back to Gwaine, “And knowing is enough, for now.”

“For now?” Gwaine laughed, and it seemed as though he was both jealous and astounded, like he yearned for Merlin’s youth and opportunities.

“For now.” Merlin repeated, and he left the room to take the rubbish out to the skip. He didn’t look to see if Arthur’s eyes followed him.

[--]

Arthur didn’t speak to Merlin much after that, though Merlin continued with his newfound carefree attitude. He laughed with Gwen as they cooked dinner. he sat beside them on the sofa as they watched absolutely terrible telly. He walked with them to classes, Gwen between he and Arthur, holding both of their hands. He bustled around the flat with his towel around his waist after his shower, causing Gwen to whistle rudely at him while Arthur just stared and stared.

Gwaine and Percy took him out for lunch every now and then when Percy could spare the time away from the private gym where he was a personal trainer, and they all laughed at the sorry state Merlin had been in that night at their house. He bought them an anaemic looking house plant as an apology and Percy’s smile was blinding, though Gwaine looked sad and later told Merlin that, try as he might, Percy killed plants just by being close to them. He didn’t do it on purpose, he just loved them all to death. 

Gwaine also took Merlin aside and said that he’d worked out that Merlin’s lover was Arthur. It was terrifying to acknowledge that someone outside of he and Arthur knew about it, but it was such a relief to have someone to talk to. Percy and Gwaine made him dinner one night and Merlin told them everything. About how long he had loved Arthur and the wonderfully strange circumstances that had lead to their getting together in the first place.

They couldn’t understand how calm Merlin was being about it all, considering how much Merlin loved Arthur and also considering how obviously Arthur was still going to marry Gwen, but that didn’t change Merlin’s views on it, either. He had reached a strange sort of equilibrium. Arthur was going to marry Gwen, but Merlin thought he was also always going to love Merlin, too, and that was enough.

After swearing Percy and Gwaine to secrecy, especially with Lance, who knew Gwen, Merlin walked back to the flat feeling better than he had since before Gwen came to Glasgow. He was ahead of the coursework in all of his lessons, he was able to work enough shifts to put money into savings and have a social life, he was making new friends and enjoying himself, he was living with his two best friends. And he had the upper hand as far as the Arthur Situation was concerned, and, coming on towards Hallowe’en, he decided he would use it.

[--]

There was a huge costume party held at the QMU every year. Drink was disgustingly cheap, the music was deafeningly loud, and everyone there was looking for something. The atmosphere would be perfect. And Merlin didn’t even need to buy a costume, he just had to dig a few things out of the recesses of his wardrobe.

Arthur and Gwen were going dressed as a couple from one of the terrible shows they watched on the telly. They laughed all week leading up to the party as Gwen trotted out her charity-shop finds, and Arthur, grudgingly, agreed to dye his hair black.

“Can you help me with this?” Arthur asked Merlin one afternoon as Merlin was hunched over the desk in his room doing coursework.

“What is it?” Merlin asked, not looking up. It had been a few long months since Arthur had been in Merlin’s bedroom, and they had both been naked then. He kept his eyes on his paperwork as he remembered what had transpired between them that morning before Gwen had arrived, but he could feel his ears burning.

“Hair dye. I promised Gwen I would dye my hair black for this wretched Hallowe’en party.” Arthur said, and the sound of his voice told Merlin that he was perhaps remembering their last morning together as well.

“Can’t you just follow the directions?” Merlin asked, but he knew he would help Arthur, he was just enjoying making Arthur ask again.

“Please?” Arthur said, “I don’t want to miss any bits.”

“Fine. But why can’t Gwen help you?” Merlin asked, setting his pen down and standing, stretching towards the ceiling to get the kinks out of his back. Arthur’s eyes followed the stretch then turned to the few inches of exposed skin just above Merlin’s trousers. Merlin lowered his arms and Arthur licked his lips and cleared his throat, not looking away.

“She’s out at some rally or protest or something with Lance. Something to do with saving the planet.” Arthur said, shrugging. Merlin sighed as though this was a giant imposition, but he followed Arthur down the stairs anyway. “Where do you want me?” Arthur asked, gesturing to the bathroom and the kitchen.

“Everywhere.” Merlin purred, not even thinking. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes before Merlin directed Arthur to the small bathroom beside his and Gwen’s room. He and Gwen had an ensuite shower room, so this bathroom had, by default, become Merlin’s. It smelled of Merlin, and Arthur took a few long breaths as he stepped into the room, likely remembering again. Merlin smiled and sat Arthur down on the toilet seat, draping a towel around his shoulders.

Merlin, who had dyed his hair a few times during school, and who had also helped his mother dye her hair on many occasions, tore open the box and took out the instructions. He peeled the useless plastic gloves off the paper and mixed the colour. As he shook it vigorously for the prescribed sixty seconds, he could feel Arthur’s eyes on him.

Ignoring the renewed burning of his ears, Merlin turned to Arthur and got to work. He started brushing the dye onto Arthur’s hair, twisting it here and there to ensure even coverage, and before long he was taking full advantage of his advantage. He tugged at Arthur’s hair, an action that had historically wrung desperate sighs of pleasure from Arthur’s mouth. He massaged Arthur’s scalp, glorying at the bitten off sounds coming from Arthur now, in this bathroom. He even straddled Arthur’s lap, playing up a need to make sure the dye was evenly distributed, and there was no denying the state of arousal that Arthur was in.

He wanted to kiss Arthur. He wanted to ravage him. But instead he ground against him once, watching Arthur’s eyes close and tighten, and then he got off of Arthur’s lap, took off the gloves and started putting everything away.

“You need to wait for twenty minutes and then we’ll wash your hair. I’ll be upstairs if you need me. I’d knock, though, as I’ll probably be wanking.”

Then Merlin left the bathroom and rushed up the stairs. He didn’t even make it to the bed. He just stood against his closed door, pushed his trousers down only slightly and pulled himself off, not being quiet and listening to the sounds of Arthur, in his own room, doing exactly the same thing.

Twenty minutes later they both returned to the bathroom. Arthur sat with his back against the tub, and Merlin stood over him to work the shower head. He snaked the attachment down and around Arthur’s bare shoulders, relishing the feel of his fingers through Arthur’s wet hair. They had showered together in this room so often during their weeks of freedom. This shower head had seen so many, many things. 

Merlin was merciless. He took longer than he needed, until well after the water was running clear. He watched Arthur’s closed eyes, listened to the small sounds of pleasure he was making, and he knew that behind those eyelids Arthur’s eyes would be twin pools of black desire, a perfect match for his own. When Merlin switched the water off he settled himself onto Arthur’s lap, Arthur’s hands coming up to clutch at Merlin’s hips, and his eyes opened. 

“I want to kiss you.” Arthur said, his voice small and quiet.

“I want to fuck you.” Merlin said, and he relished Arthur’s exhale of surprise.

“I think about it all the time.” Arthur said, and he didn’t look away from Merlin. 

“I know.” Merlin purred, and he grabbed a towel off the hook behind him and dried Arthur’s hair until it stuck up in every direction. Though Merlin obviously loved Arthur’s golden, glimmering hair, there was something about this new, darker shade that made Merlin want Arthur to take him roughly from behind. “It makes you look older.” Merlin said, and he leaned in to whisper in Arthur's ear, “Like you have many things you’d like to teach me.”

Arthur swallowed audibly, his eyes on Merlin’s lips. And out in the corridor they heard a key going into a lock. Merlin reluctantly stood and pulled Arthur to his feet. The arrival of Gwen had an immediate lessening effect on Arthur's arousal, and Merlin smiled wickedly as he reached up and tugged one of Arthur's nipples, ensuring that Arthur would be thinking of him for quite a time after this encounter. He felt bold, wild, and exhilarated as he greeted Gwen in the corridor, apologised for Arthur's hair, then bounded up to his room for a second, much quieter wank.

[--]

The night of the Hallowe'en party arrived, and Merlin had work right after classes. So he worked and got more tips than ever before and then he rushed to the QMU to meet Arthur and Gwen. He thought about sending them both a photo of him in his thus far top secret costume, but decided against it. He wanted to  _ see _ Arthur's reaction.

So he pushed his way through the crowds, and he fought against the lack of a signal, and he finally found Gwen and Arthur near the back of the hall. Gwen was looking radiant, dressed in a sexier outfit than she would have worn on any given day, Merlin was surprised at just how much of her skin he could see. It made him smile that Gwen was stretching out of her comfort zone. She looked like the celebrity she was trying to look like. And Arthur, Arthur took Merlin's breath away. He was wearing an impossibly tight, low cut v-neck shirt and skinny jeans that left little to the imagination. His newly dyed hair was incredibly sexy, and Gwen had drawn the celebrity's tattoos on him, as well, and something about the look of the black ink on Arthur's skin made Merlin  _ burn _ .

Arthur was holding one drink, and Gwen two. Merlin hoped one of them was for him, because the queue at the bar was insane. Except then Arthur spotted Merlin walking towards him and he dropped his drink. Merlin saw it happen almost in slow motion. Arthur spotted him and his eyes roved Merlin from head to toe. Then his eyes widened, his pupils dilated and his expression surprised. And then one of his hands clenched his chest and the other clenched around thin air where his drink had been. Gwen took a step back when the plastic cup crashed to the floor, but there was no huge splash, so it must have been empty. By the time Merlin got to them, Arthur was muttering something about being bumped, and was apologising to a laughing Gwen.

Then Gwen saw Merlin and her laughter rolled across him, making him smile. “You came as you.” Gwen said, between her laughter.

Merlin looked down at his rumpled school uniform costume. Arthur's shirt, Merlin's loosened tie, and black trousers. He had dressed in the same clothes he had been wearing that afternoon in the photography classroom when Arthur had partially undressed him. And the following night in his bedroom when Arthur had undressed him completely. 

Judging by the fact that Arthur was struggling to catch his breath, it had had the effect he wanted. Arthur was remembering everything, just like Merlin wanted him to.

[--]

Later that night Merlin got a text from Arthur that read, “We are leaving early.”, and Merlin took that to mean that Arthur and Gwen were leaving Merlin behind. Except that was not the case, because when he saw Gwen next she was with a group of friends from her course, who were all talking to another group of people that included Lance. Merlin caught her eye and mouthed  _ Where’s Arthur? _ , and she mouthed back,  _ He went home. _ Then she pointed to her head to indicate that Arthur had a headache. Merlin nodded at her then melted back into the crowd.

When he was sure that Gwen could no longer see him, he ran. He ran out of the QMU and he ran down the hill. He ran over the cobbled surface of Ashton Lane, and he ran across Byres road without hardly checking for traffic. 

When he got home he was breathless, his chest heaving. Arthur was sitting, nonchalant, as the bottom of the stairs.

“We have to hurry,” Arthur said, as Merlin locked the door behind them, “I don’t know how long she’ll stay out.”

Merlin walked up to Arthur, and Arthur pulled him the rest of the way in by his tie. Memories exploded in Merlin's head, and then they were kissing, and it was excruciating. Merlin’s hands fisted in Arthur’s dyed black hair. Their clothes were hanging off them by the time they got to the top of the stairs, and by the time Merlin’s bedroom door was shut they were completely naked. 

Arthur’s hands and lips were on Merlin with a need that surprised them both. They spoke only in sighs and murmurs as their fingers and tongues explored each other as though they had never met like this before. Arthur had been working out and his body felt foreign. Merlin thought his heart was going to explode. Of course he wanted Arthur, there was no denying the physical attraction, but Merlin also loved Arthur, and being with Arthur like this was more than just a matter of physicality. It meant something to Merlin. It was the culmination of his love for Arthur and Arthur’s love for him. Because as much as Arthur was going to marry Gwen in the future, Merlin knew that he loved him, as well.

Neither of them were gentle, and the speed at which they both reached completion would have been embarrassing except that it had been weeks, and they were both aware of the clock ticking down the time until Gwen got home. So they lay together, panting, refusing to stop touching each other. And Arthur cried, the relief of the moment overwhelming him.

Merlin knew how he felt. “I don’t think we should stop seeing each other.” Merlin said, wiping a tear from Arthur’s face with his thumb.

“What about Gwen?” Arthur asked.

And then Merlin told the truth. It was something he had realised over the past few weeks, and it made him look like a terrible person, but he couldn’t help it. “I don’t give a shit about Gwen.”

Arthur laughed a surprised, joyful laugh, the sound of it warming Merlin through to his bones, but he didn’t say anything. And a few moments later both of their phones pinged with a text alert sound, and they knew that Gwen was on her way home.

Arthur left Merlin in the doorway to the bathroom, the steam from the shower rolling out beside them. All of Arthur's inked on tattoos were smudged beyond recognition, and Merlin's body bore the smudge marks in mirror image. He hoped the shower would remove them. They kissed, long and slow, and it wasn’t a kiss for endings. It was the beginning of something new and unplanned, and it was one of the best kisses they had ever shared.

[--]

The following Wednesday night Gwen was volunteering at the mental health helpline on campus, and Merlin and Arthur had sex on the sofa.

The Friday after that they both worked the late shift at the bar, and Arthur sucked Merlin off on their walk home.

On the Sunday Arthur and Gwen went back home to visit family, and Merlin stayed at the flat. Although he mostly spent the day doing coursework, he also sent Arthur a dirty picture of himself wearing Arthur’s boxers and jerking off.

Arthur retaliated with a picture of himself naked in the bathroom at Gwen’s dad’s house, and Merlin spent another twenty minutes not doing coursework after that came through.

On Tuesday afternoon Merlin got a text from Arthur: _ I am in a lecture and all I can think about is fucking you. _

To which Merlin replied:  _ If you stay up late tonight to “study” with me, we can definitely fuck _ .

And then Merlin, smiling at his own wickedness, sent a second message that said,  _ Twice _ .

A few minutes later he got a picture through of Arthur with his hands down his trousers in a toilet cubicle.

The hours seemed to go by rather slowly that evening. Merlin had a shift at the bar and he checked the time so often he thought his neck was going to snap from strain. And when he got home to the flat Gwen was still up. She was wearing her pyjamas, though, which was a good sign.

“Mind if I put the telly on?” Gwen asked a little while later, looking over her shoulder to where Arthur and Merlin were working hard at the dining table. They both muttered sure, but neither of them looked up. She took the hint and frowned, but acquiesced. “I’ll just put a film on in our room.” She kissed Arthur goodnight, ruffled Merlin’s hair, and then padded off to their bedroom.

Historically it took Gwen roughly fifteen minutes to fall asleep if she was watching a film in their bedroom, so Arthur gave it a full half hour before he silently opened the door to check. He met Merlin at the bottom of the stairs and said, “Sound asleep.”

Merlin wrapped his arms around his lover and drew him close. He was a step higher than Arthur which gave him a great angle when their lips met. There was something entirely thrilling about kissing Arthur like this when Gwen slept twenty feet away. 

They made love slowly and quietly, on the floor of the mezzanine. The skylight above them let in the light of the full moon, and their need to be absolutely silent made Merlin's entire body tremble. Afterwards Merlin raided the kitchen cupboards and returned to the mezzanine steps with snacks and a single cup of tea.

They lounged, naked, while they drank tea and ate chocolate, the moonlight making Arthur look regal and almost too beautiful, but Merlin didn't look away.

“I've been in love with you for a long time.” Arthur said, and Merlin felt warmth rush through him, all the way to his toes. Arthur leaned back and stared through the skylight to the cloudless night above them. Merlin fitted himself against Arthur, his head on Arthur’s shoulder. “I made excuses to be near you. Sometimes I just couldn't stop  _ staring _ .” There was something so desperate in Arthur's voice that it made Merlin's hair stand on end.

“All those times you wanted to be with just me, I hoped and I hoped… but I never thought I would be so lucky.” Merlin admitted. When he was honest with Arthur it didn’t feel like he was giving something of himself away, it felt like he was gaining something of Arthur.

“All the times I dragged you out to Fanny’s in the middle of the night. Lying on the ground in the park, tricking you into holding my hand. Those nights at the movies alone, I would press my leg against yours and just  _ feel _ …” Arthur’s voice trailed off, then after some silence he spoke again, “That afternoon I made us ride the train hours away so we could walk down the street with each other. I pretended we were together, then. A happy couple just out for a walk together. I wanted so much for things to be different.” 

Merlin lifted himself and kissed Arthur softly, gently, because this Arthur, right now, was fragile, and Merlin was afraid to break him.

“I still want things to be different.” Arthur said, finally, as Merlin gently kissed each corner of his mouth, and his voice broke with emotion. “But I don’t know how to fix this. I can’t break her, and every option I think of is going to break her.”

Merlin sat back on his heels, levelling Arthur with an intense gaze. “You have to choose the option that is going to break her least.” 

Arthur blinked suddenly, and it was like he switched that line of thought off completely, because he threw himself at Merlin, kissing him heavily and roughly, and they tumbled backwards down the two stairs, back onto the mezzanine floor, and Merlin had a view of the cloudless sky as Arthur took him to pieces.

[--]

On Friday night, both Arthur and Merlin worked. When they got home, Gwen was sat at the dining table, working on course work with her headphones on. Arthur went in to her and kissed the top of her head, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder. The smile she aimed at him was blinding, even for Merlin who was a few steps away.

“Working hard?” Arthur asked, still with his hand on her shoulder.

“I’ve got an essay due on Monday, but we’re going home on Sunday, aren't we? So I wanted to get it done now. How was work?”

“Busy. We’re exhausted.” Arthur gestured at Merlin who was still standing a few feet away. It hurt something deep inside him to be too close to Arthur when he was being Gwen’s loving boyfriend.

“Well, you both smell like the inside of a pub toilet, so it must have been very busy.”

Arthur chuckled, “Cheers, love. Guess I’m having a shower before bed, then?”

“Sooner rather than later, if you don’t mind.” Gwen said, holding her nose closed in a singularly ladylike way, and turning to smile at Merlin, too, then turning back to her work and putting her headphones back on.

Merlin and Arthur walked away, and Merlin paused in the doorway to his bathroom. Gwen was fifteen feet away, but she had her back to them...

He shut his door, disrobed and wrapped a towel around his waist, turning the water on in the shower hot enough to burn. Then he tiptoed into Arthur and Gwen’s room, where Arthur was similarly towelled and turning the water on in their shower. Then Merlin grabbed Arthur's arm, his finger on his lips, shhhhh. Arthur shut the door to his shower room and followed Merlin. Before they stepped into the bathroom they both cast a careful glance at Gwen, who was absorbed in her work, and they shut themselves into Merlin’s bathroom.

They didn’t speak, they just unwound each other’s towels and stepped, together, under the steaming water. Though they worked with speed it was no less thrilling. Merlin washed Arthur's hair, his fingers working through the lengths that were steadily turning back to blond as the black dye faded, and Arthur washed Merlin's, turning this simple act into something that Merlin would remember every time he washed his hair in the future. And when Arthur arched his neck to rinse the soap out, Merlin kissed his exposed Adam's apple, and the stubble on Arthur's chin brushed his skin, sending a shiver straight down his spine.

Their hands on each other, washing away the day, cleaning down to skin beneath, it was simple, and thrilling, and it was  _ everything _ . The fact that they hadn't the time for sex made it even more exciting. They touched each other and they kissed, the water running between them down their faces, and they were together in the most intimate way.

The idea that they would each return to their own spaces and finish alone what they had started here was equally as intimate, and they whispered to each other what their plans were for when the water stopped running, lips and tongues brushing ears.

Then they stepped out of the shower and quickly dried, and Merlin checked whether Gwen was still preoccupied before he and Arthur stepped out of the room.

They kissed in the doorway to Arthur and Gwen's room, and if Gwen had cared to turn round, she would have easily seen them.

[--]

In the morning Arthur made them all breakfast. He was exceptional in the kitchen, especially coming from his family where both his sister and father could burn soup into something unrecognisable.

“You smell like Merlin.” Gwen remarked, as Arthur leaned over him to place a plate of toast on the table.

Arthur didn't freeze, or panic, or even pause in his task, he just said, “Oh, I ran out of soap and Merlin lent me some. I'll get more today.”

Merlin smiled to himself as he surreptitiously removed Arthur’s totally full bottle of body wash from his and Gwen’s shower a few minutes later, but it was a kind of rude awakening. If they weren’t more careful they were going to get caught, and all of Arthur’s careful planning -  trying to find a way to end things with Gwen that wouldn’t completely break her - was going to be in ruins.

But when he sat back down at the table and Arthur reached across him for the ketchup for his sausages, Merlin smelled his own familiar soap wafting off Arthur’s skin, and his heart rate absolutely soared.

[--]

“I take it you guys are going home for Christmas?” Merlin asked, one afternoon when no one had classes, and they were tucked on the sofa together watching the rain fall heavily outside. 

“Aye, we are. Aren’t you?” Gwen asked, taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

“No, I’m not. Mum’s working, and Lance added me to the shift rotation. It’s a busy time, and I need the money.” Merlin said, as he tried to find the page he needed in the absolutely massive book he was reading. 

Arthur looked at Merlin over his own mug of hot chocolate. “I thought you were coming to our house at Christmas, like always.” 

Gwen practically squealed. “That means you can come to Christmas lunch! If you don’t need to host Merlin and his Mum, you can come to ours!” The level of joy pouring off Gwen was difficult to resist, but Arthur said he’d have to speak to his father before making any plans for sure.

Merlin turned back to his work, one of his more sadistic professors had assigned an essay due on their first day back after the holiday break, and Merlin wanted to get a head start on it before the holidays. He was going to be working every hour available during the break, so if he wanted to get it done on time, it had to be now.

Gwen and Arthur continued to discuss their holiday plans, when they would be leaving and when they planned to return. Merlin’s heart sunk as it was casually decided that they would be away for two solid weeks. Two weeks without Arthur. He knew the pain was self inflicted, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

Two weeks in the flat by himself. What an absolutely shit holiday he was going to have. Maybe Lance or Gwaine would let him crash with them for a few days, that would make it a little less lonely.

[--]

“And then he fucked off with all of our money and we’re left here essentially homeless.” Lance was saying when Merlin arrived at work that night. “Oh, hey Merlin.”

Merlin stepped in to help Lance shift the full kegs into the fridge and Gwaine continued cleaning out the tap system. “Hey. Who’s homeless?”

“Lance is.” Gwaine said, and Lance showed his true feelings on the subject by dropping an empty keg rather louder than strictly necessary. “Turns out one of his flatmates, who was meant to be paying the rent for them all, was taking everyone’s money but paying nothing out, and he’s disappeared now to fuck knows where, and Lance and his flatmates are all getting chucked out.”

“What?!” Merlin said, genuinely shocked that someone could do that to a friend. 

“Know anyone with a spare room?” Lance asked, and his voice was dreadfully sad.

“Actually, yeah. We have a spare room. The adults in our lives think we all have our own rooms, but Gwen and Arthur are sharing, so there’s an empty one. I guess I’d have to ask the others, but I’m sure they’ll be on board. It’s yours if you want it.” Merlin said, lifting a full keg to stack on top of another one. He nearly dropped it on his feet when Lance hugged him from behind. Lance was not a hugging person. 

“That would be great, if you’re serious.” Lance said, the relief in his voice palpable.

“Well, thank god for that - Lance is too pretty to be on the street. It would ruin him.” Gwaine said, and all three of them laughed.

Which is how Lance ended up moving in with the three of them just before the Christmas holidays. Gwen was the happiest of the three, because it meant that she and Lance could knuckle down on their Agenda to Save the World, but Arthur and Merlin both knew that Lance being there was just one more person from whom they were going to have to hide.

[--]

In the lead up to the end of term Merlin was working and studying so hard that he didn't have a minute spare for Arthur, or for anyone else for that matter. He had commandeered the dining room table and it was spread with text books and endless sheets of notes. Arthur and Gwen, who had a less strenuous academic schedule, and who favoured digital notes and online texts, were sat beside each other on the sofa, laptops out, and Lance was sat at the other end, all three pairs of feet up on the coffee table, and everyone listening to their own music.

So the end of term arrived without much fanfare, and suddenly it was the night before Arthur and Gwen returned home. Lance was working, so Arthur said he'd cook dinner for the three of them, and Merlin lay on his back on the floor of the mezzanine, looking up through the skylight into the grey, grey Glasgow sky. He felt preemptively lonely, and he couldn't get himself to cheer up. Even the wine Arthur had bought wasn't helping.

“Why so sad, Merlin?” Gwen asked as she sat on the steps beneath the window. Merlin sat up and crossed his legs.

“I wish I could afford to go home. I wish my Mum had Christmas off. I haven't been to see her since I came to Glasgow.” Merlin said, playing with his shoelace. “And I'm going to be here on my own, once Lance leaves, so I'm lonely, I guess.”

He tried very hard not to cry, but the end of term stress, his secrets, his guilt, and his impending solitude, were suddenly overwhelming. Gwen lay a hand on his shoulder. In the midst of everything with Arthur, Merlin had sort of forgotten that Gwen was his best friend, and he realised now that he missed her.

“Arthur!” Gwen shouted down over the mezzanine railing. He shouted back, and Gwen continued. “Get up here so we can give Merlin his present!”

Merlin heard the sounds of Arthur climbing the stairs two at a time, and he appeared in the doorway with two small boxes wrapped in frightening green paper. 

Gwen wiggled her fingers in excitement as Arthur handed him the boxes.

“I thought we decided not to do presents this year?” Merlin said, taking the boxes with a smile. Arthur took a sip of his wine and sat down on Merlin's other side.

“Yeah, well, we made an exception.” Arthur mumbled, looking embarrassed. 

Merlin set one package down and started to open the other. The horrible green paper was wrapped expertly, definitely Gwen's work, and Merlin smiled as he unwrapped it. Inside was a box that contained a single train ticket from their home town for one journey to Glasgow, dated for Boxing Day. 

Merlin's face must have shown his confusion because Gwen flapped her hands at him and demanded he open the second box. Inside were Arthur's car keys. “What?” Merlin asked, looking between Arthur and Gwen. 

“The bar is closed on Christmas, I checked.” Arthur said, smiling. 

“So you're coming home to spend Christmas Day with us.” Gwen blurted, excitement practically shining out of her. “You can take Arthur's car after your shift ends on Christmas Eve, come to mine for Christmas lunch, and take the train back here the next day!”

“Your mum even said she'd pop round after her shift at the hospital, so you'll get to see her, too.” Arthur added.

Merlin looked at his two best friends, not knowing at all what to say. He was saved from having to come up with anything when a timer buzzed on Arthur's phone, and the two of them headed back downstairs to finish dinner. 

Merlin went into his room to put the keys and train ticket somewhere safe, only to discover a third, messier box sitting on his desk. He walked over to it and opened it cautiously. Inside was a piece of paper with Arthur's handwriting that said, “ _ you're staying at mine and my family won't be home. _ ” 

A flash of a million possibilities set Merlin on fire,  and when he went down to join his friends for dinner he couldn't stop smiling.

[--]

Lance and Merlin spent a lot of time together over the next few days. They did live and work together, afterall. Lance was fun to be around, but he and Merlin didn’t necessarily have anything in common. They ran out of things to talk about by day two, and spent their time in amiable silence. Merlin thought about Arthur constantly. He had decided that sending a relentless stream of text messages to Gwen and Arthur was not the best way to prove that he was fine on his own, so he did his best to stay disconnected.

Gwen texted a few times, the tone of her texts rather sullen and grey. Merlin chalked it up to her being back in their hometown again but not being the same person she had been before she left. Living under your parents’ roofs and rules again after living on your own was exhausting. He supposed. He hadn’t had a chance to test the theory himself.

He also received texts from Arthur that were similarly sullen. He and Merlin had agreed to not swap so many photos, which would make their Christmas morning reunion all the sweeter. But Merlin couldn’t help texting back, not when Arthur sounded so put-out. 

Whatever was happening back home, neither Arthur nor Gwen seemed too happy about it. Which suited Merlin quite well, because he wasn’t that happy in Glasgow, either.

On the Tuesday before Christmas, Lance asked Merlin whether he wanted to have a few drinks before heading home from work. Merlin shrugged, and since he wasn’t working until the afternoon the next day, agreed. He and Lance decided, for the sake of saving money, to just buy drinks at an off license, picked up some chips, and carried their purchases back to the flat. When they got home they put a film on the telly and they had a few drinks and a good laugh. It was the most he and Lance had spoken to each other in a good few days, and it felt nice.

Merlin reminded himself to take it easy with the drink because he didn’t want a repeat of the Waking Up In Gwaine’s Bed evening, but Lance, it seemed, wasn’t bothered at all about how much he had to drink. By the end of the film he was humming tunelessly and slurring his words.

“You alright, mate?” Merlin asked him, quietly taking away the rest of the alcohol. If Lance died from alcohol poisoning on his watch Gwen would never forgive him. What Merlin expected was for Lance to realise how much he’d had, call it an early night, and see Merlin bright-eyed in the morning. What he did not expect was an abrupt and tearful confession.

“I’m in LOVE.” Lance said, his voice rising to an almost painful shout. Merlin, shocked, just stared. “I’m in LOVE with the most BEAUTIFUL woman in the UNIVERSE!”

He seemed genuinely ecstatic to be confessing his love to Merlin, but Merlin was confused. “Why haven’t you had her round to the flat? I want to meet this girl if you’re so crazy about her.” Merlin said, smiling.

“I AM crazy about her. It’s making me INSANE.” Lance went on, and again, Merlin just sat there getting more and more confused. He’d never heard Lance mention any girl, and he’d been working side by side with Lance for months now. Surely if Lance was sweet on someone, Merlin would at least have had a clue.

“That’s good news, though, right?” Merlin asked, then, worried what Lance’s response might be, “Does she know how you feel?”

“NO!” Lance shouted again, then, quieter, “No, no, no, no, no. Bad. Bad. I can’t tell her. Can’t tell her how I feel.”

“Why not?” 

“She has a boyfriend.” Lance whispered so quietly that Merlin had to strain to hear him. “I can’t tell anyone.”

Merlin, realised in that second that he had an awful lot more in common with Lance than he thought. The idea made him chuckle, an action that send Lance into a kind of wretched wail.

“I love her so much, Merlin. I think about her all the time. Even right now.” Lance stared away into space for a few seconds, and then he looked at Merlin again and refocused his eyes, “You can’t tell ANYONE, Merlin. No one can know!”

“Listen, Lance, here’s what I think. Do you want to know what I think?” Merlin asked, and as he did he realised that any advice he gave Lance right now was probably wasted as Lance’s memory of their conversation was going to be dubious at best.

“Yes. Advice. Yes.” Lance mumbled, and then sat to attention.

“You know how you feel, you should tell her. Tell her you know she has a boyfriend, but that is how you feel anyway. Take a step back and let her think about it. The worst thing that can happen is that she stays with the other guy, right? But if she feels the same way for you, their situation might change, and yours might, too.” It sounded like absolutely terrible advice, but Lance’s eyes lit up.

“Tell her how I feel?” Lance pondered, his eyes making it clear that he was thinking seriously about the problem at hand. Then he looked up at Merlin and shook his head, no. “I can’t tell her. What if HE finds out. He’s a friend of mine and I don’t want to hurt him, either.”

“Are his feelings worth your misery?”

Lance looked curiously at Merlin then, assessing him in a new light.

“No?” 

“No. Tell her how you feel.” 

Lance slouched back against the back of the sofa, and nodded his head a few times, making up his mind. Merlin took a long sip of his own drink before he muttered, too low for Lance to hear him, “I’m giving out relationship advice and I’m shagging my best friend’s boyfriend. Shit.”

Lance lived through the night, and he was much brighter in the morning than he had any right to be considering how much he had had to drink. Merlin glowered at him over his cup of tea. It didn’t seem like their conversation had made much of a mark on Lance which, Merlin decided, was probably a good thing.

[--]

The Christmas Eve crowd was one writhing, disgusting mass of people. It was, without a doubt, the busiest the bar had been since Merlin started working there, and the time passed in leaps and bounds. Before he knew it they were handing round the tips for the night and shutting the shutters down over the locked doors. Percy had arrived to walk Gwaine home, and he and Gwaine both gave Merlin bear hugs and kisses on the cheek. It was amazing how fast those two had become like his family.

Merlin gave them the silly gift he’d gotten them, and received gifts in return, which he tossed, unopened, onto the passenger seat of Arthur’s car. Then he waved them off as he got behind the wheel and pointed the car towards home.

In less than an hour he was pulling up outside of Arthur’s father’s house. It was well past three in the morning, but Arthur had told him that he would be the only one home, so it didn’t matter if Merlin made any noise coming in.

He wanted to have a nice, hot shower, something to eat, and then he wanted to sleep.

Who was he kidding? What he wanted was to have absolutely filthy sex with Arthur the moment he stepped through the front door.

The house was silent and dark. Merlin locked the door as quietly as he could. He walked into the kitchen and there was a note on the counter from Arthur. It said, “I know you’re hungry. Have some toast and come to bed. I’ll be waiting. xx” The four slice toaster was pulled out, and beside it sat a loaf of Merlin’s favourite bread. He couldn’t resist. A few minutes later, having hoovered up the toast and half a cup of tea that he’d poured too much milk in to cool it down enough to drink at speed, Merlin made his way upstairs.

Arthur was asleep in his bed. Merlin stood in the doorway, smiling at Arthur’s beautiful face, and he removed his clothes and climbed in beside an equally naked Arthur. Their devious sexual exploits would have to wait until morning. Which was probably wise, as Merlin was exhausted, too.

As Merlin slid easily into Arthur’s embrace, Arthur lifted an arm and tightened it around him. They hadn’t slept next to each other since their glorious days of solitude over the summer, and it felt incredibly wonderful to just have Arthur beside him, his chest rising and falling with peaceful, sleeping breaths. Arthur nestled his face into the crook of Merlin’s neck, breathed in deeply through his nose, and his eyes fluttered open gently.

“Merlin.” Arthur purred, making Merlin’s name a contented sigh.

“Go back to sleep.” Merlin whispered, and he arched round to kiss Arthur once, and then he closed his eyes and was almost instantly asleep.

[--]

Merlin woke to Arthur’s roving hands skimming his side from his thighs up to his stomach in a pleasing motion that made him relaxed and alert at the same time. He rolled over onto his back and reached up to grab the hair at the back of Arthur’s head. From the quality of the light it was barely morning, but Merlin didn’t care about sleep - he could get some later. What he cared about was maximising the time he had with Arthur.

“Good morning, love.” Arthur said, his voice low and unhurried. Merlin’s pulse raced to hear Arthur call him “love”, that was what he called Gwen. Merlin wondered whether Arthur even realised. 

“Good morning, lover.” Merlin retorted, and he pulled Arthur into a deep kiss. Arthur tightened his arm around Merlin, lifting him off the bed, and brought him close in a possessive, needy way that made Merlin wimper, and within moments they were both falling apart in each other’s arms. Their lips and hands and tongues and fingers finding exactly the right places to lick and touch and brush and press, each one of them taking the other to the very edge of pleasure until they were dizzy with it, and breathless. Then they made love in Arthur’s childhood bed, somewhere they had never yet been together, and Merlin worried that the sheer joy and happiness he felt would burst from his chest in an explosion that would level not only Arthur’s house, but their hometown, and anything else within a fifty-mile radius. 

[--]

Later that morning Merlin entertained himself by drawing intricate patterns on Arthur’s skin with a permanent marker. He made sure that any marks he drew would be covered by a long sleeve shirt, and his skin prickled with the idea that Arthur wouldn’t be able to roll his sleeves up without revealing them. And that he would have to wait until they washed away to be naked around Gwen. Arthur didn’t seem to mind this visible sign of Merlin’s latent possessiveness, and he watched Merlin’s drawing with interest.

[--]

By the time they had to leave for Gwen’s family’s house, both Arthur and Merlin were dressed in their semi-formal attire. Arthur looked ravishing in a deep maroon button down which he wore with dark grey trousers and a grey waistcoat. He was not wearing a tie, and the top button of his shirt was left casually open. Merlin was silently keeping a countdown going in his head to when they returned here, later, and Merlin got to take Arthur out of those clothes. Merlin was wearing light grey trousers and a deep blue skinny-cut shirt that looked tailored even though it wasn’t. He did not have a waistcoat, but Arthur had dug an actual bow-tie out of his dresser, and had made Merlin wear it by promising him that later he would untie it with his teeth.

When they arrived at Gwen’s, Merlin just hoped that no one would notice the colour of his or Arthur’s ears, which were bright red with promise.

Gwen was radiant in a ridiculously patterned green Christmas dress with Santas on it, and she welcomed them both with a hug and a kiss on their cheeks. Merlin spent far too long admiring her choice of outfit, promising Gwen that he wasn’t teasing her at all. She looked festive and gorgeous.

Her brother, Elyan, was home, which meant a lot of arm-punching and hair tussling, and him bounding everywhere on a seemingly endless stream of energy. And Gwen’s father was lovely, as always. Arthur jumped in to help in the kitchen and Merlin sat himself down on the sofa next to Gwen where, with her brother breezing in and out of the room like a hurricane every few minutes, she told him how her break was going.

“It’s been lovely, really.” Gwen said, but the tone of her voice said otherwise. 

“Really?” Merlin asked, and he tried not to pull away as Gwen took his hand. She rested her head on his shoulder and murmured something Merlin couldn’t hear because Elyan had decided the time was ripe for a giddy rendition of “Christmas Time, Don’t Let The Bells End”, after which Gwen’s serious mood seemed to disappear completely and she bounced away with her brother to help set the table.

Merlin sat by himself on the sofa, wondering when his mother would arrive. He checked his phone again, but there was no message. He sighed and leaned his head back on the sofa. He felt Arthur’s hands creep over his shoulders and down his chest, one finger tucking brazenly into the gap between buttons and brushing Merlin’s skin.

“Tired?” Arthur asked as he removed his hands and came round to the sofa to sit next to Merlin. He handed Merlin glass of champagne.

“It was a long night.” Merlin said, smiling.

“And a long morning, too.” Arthur said, winking at Merlin over his own glass.

“Would you  _ stop _ ?” Merlin whispered, and the smile that crossed Arthur’s face was entirely wicked. It made Merlin want to tear him apart, regardless of Gwen or Gwen’s family.

Merlin steered their talk towards entirely safe pastures, and almost revealed Lance’s drunken confession, but decided against it because he didn’t want to betray Lance on top of all the other betrayal he was committing in his life at the moment.

When Gwen joined them she sat on Merlin’s other side, and leaned her head on his shoulder again. The conversation sort of fell flat after that, and their attention was diverted by Elyan parading about the house with a horrible bit of plastic mistletoe from roughly 1973 and trying to hover it above everyone’s heads.

Thankfully lunch was served not long after that, and Merlin could come out of the bathroom where he had hidden just in case Elyan approached him with that wretched greenery.

The Smith dining table was a circle that was patently not designed to serve Christmas lunch on, and it was overflowing with food. When they all sat down there was barely an inch between any of them. Merlin was glad his mother hadn’t arrived yet, otherwise she would have had to sit on someone’s lap. _Or maybe_ , Merlin thought, _he would sit on Arthur’s lap._ _NO! Christmas lunch at Gwen’s house. Focus._

The food was delicious, a credit that Gwen’s father wanted to give to Arthur, but that Arthur denied having any part in. There was a lot of laughter and genuinely good conversation. The three of them got to talk about how their courses were going, which Merlin and Gwen talked excitedly about until Arthur gave a huge, fake yawn and they decided to change the subject.

“What about outside of class?” Gwen’s father asked. Merlin immediately went red over his whole body, and had to tell himself that they were not talking about sex, but about activities, clubs, or work. Arthur elbowed him sharply and he managed to disguise his blushing as a fake fit of coughing over a sip of water that went down the wrong way.

After making sure he wasn’t dying, Gwen launched into a long, enthusiastic speech about the environmental group she and Lance were in, bubbling away happily about their events and protests and rallies. Arthur’s hands, which had been folded politely in his lap, stopped being polite rather abruptly. Merlin knew he was doing it just for the absolute, terrifying, boldness of the action, but he didn’t know what to do when Arthur’s hand dropped into his lap and started petting his inner thigh. 

Luckily for his sanity and the cleanliness of his trousers, Merlin’s phone began to ring, and he bolted from the table, nearly knocking his chair over as he escaped to the front hall to take the call from his mother.

The contents of the call went straight through his brain without leaving the slightest trace behind. Merlin’s entire consciousness was concentrated on his deep breathing exercises, trying to calm himself down. Eventually he managed to say, “Mum, can you send me a text with the details? It’s sort of hard to hear you.” Then he ended the call, and he waited until the text came through explaining that someone had called in sick for their shift and she wouldn’t be able to make it to dinner after all.

Merlin had expected something like this to happen, but it didn’t stop him from feeling sad. All thoughts of Arthur’s inappropriate hand left him completely as he mused that this wasn’t his first Christmas without his mother, who was a nurse in the local Accident and Emergency, but it felt worse now, because it had been so long since he had seen her.

Arthur was the first to notice Merlin’s change of mood, and he stood from the table to join Merlin where he stood beside the kitchen. “What is it? Is she ok?”

“She’s fine, she just has to work.” Merlin, embarrassed, realised he was crying. Just small, frustrated tears of disappointment. Arthur threw his arms around Merlin and held him close. Merlin closed his eyes against Arthur’s neck and shook his head. He could hear the sound of someone else coming towards him and thought that it was Gwen, and was surprised when Elyan’s big arms wrapped around both him and Arthur.

“That’s a shame, mate.” Elyan said, and Merlin knew he meant it. When Elyan started rocking them all back and forth both he and Arthur started to laugh.

“What are you like?” Arthur said, shaking his head at Elyan.

“He’s a nuisance.” Gwen said, and she took Merlin aside for her own hug. He assured everyone that he was fine, just disappointed, and he began to help tidy up the dishes. Before he could really be useful, he was pushed into the lounge where Elyan turned on the television and plugged in a video game console. “Let the other’s tidy. Let’s race.” And suddenly he was losing rather spectacularly in a car racing game that he’d never even heard of, and Elyan and Gwen were howling with laughter, causing Arthur to pause in his task of helping, and even Gwen’s father poked his head around the corner to see what could possibly be so funny.

Merlin refused to play again after that, and he was about to storm away angrily when Gwen and Arthur met him in the entranceway. They were both carrying large bags filled with plastic tubs and things wrapped in tinfoil.

“What?” Merlin asked and Gwen smiled her best smile at him.

“If your Mum can’t come to us, we’ll go to her.” Gwen said, and Elyan appeared with car keys. Merlin felt tears burning his eyes again, and he wiped them away.

“Thank you, so much.” He said to Gwen, embracing her awkwardly as she was carrying a bag in each hand.

“Don’t thank me, it was Arthur’s idea.” Gwen said, and Merlin turned his attention to Arthur, who was looking away.

“Well, thanks,” Merlin repeated, bumping his shoulder against Arthur, who didn’t look at him, but shrugged once, shaking his head.

“Are we going or not?” Elyan said, and the three of them turned around to see Elyan standing in the doorway wearing no coat, but wrapped in an impressively long, colourful scarf and wearing a bobble-hat with the largest bobble Merlin had ever seen.

“My brother, everyone.” Gwen said, her voice absolutely flat, and the four of them burst out laughing.

“I can’t believe he’s this cheerful and he doesn’t even drink.” Merlin muttered as he helped Gwen through the front door, and Gwen looked over her shoulder and laughed.

[--]

The staff at the hospital were busy, but they had time enough to be grateful for Arthur and Merlin and Gwen when they arrived with the dinner. Merlin’s mum dissolved into helpless tears at the sight of her son, and Merlin held her for a long, long time. They found ten minutes to talk, just the two of them, while Gwen tried to stop her brother singing carols to all the people in the waiting room, and Arthur stood by, watching, breathless with laughter.

When they gathered to leave, Merlin’s mum stood, holding Merlin’s hand. “Thank you so much for bringing my boy to me.” she said to Gwen.

“Oh, thanks, but it was Arthur’s idea.” Gwen replied again, nudging Arthur with her shoulder.

“Oh, Arthur.” Hunith replied, reaching out to put her hand on his face. “You are going to be such a good husband some day.”

Merlin noticed that Arthur tensed at that, and he knew why, but he didn’t think he imagined Gwen tensing as well, and it was something that he was going to have to investigate, but on another day when his emotions weren’t so overwhelmed.

When they got back to Gwen’s father’s house he had served pudding and everyone sat down and stuffed their faces with chocolate gateaux and Christmas pudding. He served round coffee that tasted like there was rather a lot of liquor in it, and Merlin sipped it gratefully. Afterwards, as was apparently tradition, they all retired to the living room where they squeezed themselves into various chairs, and watched It’s A Wonderful Life. Arthur was sat between Gwen and Merlin, and Elyan and Gwen’s father were in opposite armchairs. The blinds were drawn, the lights dimmed, and the film began.

Apart from Gwen’s father getting up occasionally to make sure they were kept supplied with the drink of their choice, no one moved. It was cozy, and warm, and wonderful. At some point Gwen’s father dragged out a gigantic, faded duvet from a cupboard Merlin hadn’t known existed, and he draped it over the three of them, Gwen pulling it right up to her chin.

Merlin reached over and grasped Arthur’s hand where it sat in his lap. He pulled Arthur’s hand onto his own lap, and ran his fingers over Arthur’s palm, along his fingers, massaging the base of his thumb and along each finger. He unbuttoned Arthur’s cuff and snaked his fingers along Arthur’s forearm. Arthur was completely still, but when Merlin glanced over he saw that Arthur was biting his lip, hard, and it made Merlin smile in the dark room.

He continued, showing Arthur’s one hand all the things Merlin wanted to do to Arthur, right until the film ended. They weren’t feet away from Gwen, they were inches. Not only Gwen but her whole family. Merlin was sick with the thrill of it. As soon as the credits started rolling, Elyan, whom Merlin had never seen sit still for so long, leapt up to put on a different film. At which point everyone realised that Gwen was sound asleep. Gwen and Arthur, Merlin noticed, had not been holding hands. That was another interesting thing Merlin was going to have to investigate at some point.

Arthur carried Gwen up to her room and came back down again, rubbing a hand at the back of his hair. “I think we’d better head.” 

“No!” Elyan shouted softly from the other room, “We haven’t played charades yet!”

“Leave now.” Gwen’s father said, handing them their coats and ushering them out the door, “Save yourselves!”

“Tell Gwen I’ll see her tomorrow.” Arthur said.

“Thanks for having us!” Merlin said.

And like that, they were walking home.

Arthur’s house was on the other side of the town. It was ordinarily about a half an hour’s walk, but Arthur and Merlin weren’t walking fast. It was dark by now, and the houses they passed were either empty or lit up with scenes of Christmas, and, at some point as they exited Gwen’s estate, Arthur reached over and took Merlin’s hand.

They didn’t speak as they walked through the completely shuttered town, holding hands, fulfilling what was, for both of them, a long-held dream. When they walked under the railway viaduct Arthur pushed Merlin against the brick abutment and  _ kissed _ him. They were lit blue by the bridge’s accent lights, and by the headlights of passing cars, and anyone, anyone,  _ anyone _ , could see them, but they kissed there under that bridge for what felt like hours. Hungry hands thrust under jackets and hips straining to get closer through all their clothes. It felt stupid and brazen and  _ wonderful _ , and Merlin let Arthur lift him, and he wrapped his legs around Arthur and Arthur kissed him and kissed him.

Eventually they decided that kissing wasn’t enough and they ran, they practically  _ flew _ , home to Arthur’s house where they chased each other up the stairs into Arthur’s room, discarding jackets and hats and scarves as they went.

Arthur made good on his promise and he pinned Merlin to the wall as he tugged at the bowtie with his teeth until it fell away, and Merlin made good on his and took Arthur’s clothes off painfully slowly. Every inch of skin he revealed was still covered in the ink markings Merlin had made that morning, and Merlin seethed with desire. It was glorious to be alone like this, and Merlin’s entire body ached with how much he needed Arthur. 

After they made love they sat in Arthur’s darkened bedroom, trying to regain their breath. Arthur’s head was on Merlin’s stomach, and it rose and fell with Merlin’s heaving chest. “Even after that I want you so much I can barely think.” Merlin said, losing his fingers in Arthur’s hair.

Arthur reached over to his bedside table, then captured Merlin’s left hand with both of his and slipped something onto Merlin’s thumb. Merlin sat up, dislodging Arthur’s head ungracefully, and brought his hand closer to look at it. He had thought for a moment it was Arthur’s own thumb ring, something that Arthur had worn every single day since Merlin had known him. But this was plain, brushed silver, not the intricate pattern of leaves and thorns that Arthur’s had.

Without a word Arthur removed the ring from Merlin’s thumb and turned it gently so the light would catch the inside of the ring. Where there was, in almost exact detail, the same leaves and thorns that Arthur’s own ring bore. When he put the ring back on Merlin’s hand the pattern could not be seen, but the ring was a perfect fit, and when Arthur removed it again, the mirror imprint of the design on the inside was pressed gently into Merlin’s skin. 

Merlin didn’t speak, he couldn’t. He saw this for what it was. A promise, and he collapsed against Arthur, covering his face to hide his tears. Arthur sat up and straddled Merlin, taking care to lower Merlin’s hands and kissing his face. “Hey, hey.” Arthur whispered, and Merlin still couldn’t speak. He just looked away and shook his head, swallowing hard and trying to remember how to breathe.

“Listen, Merlin. I love you. I love you. And I want you to know it, all the time. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to sort out things with Gwen, but once I do, I want to be with you instead.”

Merlin just kept crying. It felt like his heart was emptying out all of the love he felt for Arthur through his tears, and Arthur just held him, running one hand down from his hair to the base of his spine, calming him with his closeness and his obvious love. When he realised that he owed Arthur an answer at least, he tried to gather himself long enough to take the ring back from Arthur and put it, firmly, onto his left thumb. It sat there, between them, looking completely innocuous, when in reality, it was a symbol of their love. Their entirely forbidden love. Arthur raised his own left hand where his thumb ring sat, as it always had, and they they clasped hands, the rings making a small noise as they collided.

[--]

On the train ride home the next day Merlin couldn’t stop playing with his ring. They had decided to tell everyone that Merlin had bought it for himself. Arthur would tease Merlin about copying him, and it would be a perfectly ignorable addition to Merlin’s wardrobe, as long as Merlin never took it off. If he took it off, people might notice the marks on his skin.

Merlin giggled and smiled at nothing at all, his cheeks sore with how happy he was. He felt like a poorly tethered hot air balloon in a gale, his joy threatening to lift him off the ground even though it was dangerous out there.

Lance was not home when Merlin got back to the flat, and Merlin trudged up to his bedroom, threw himself beneath his covers, and slept for nearly a full day. After all, Arthur and he had not managed to sleep for more that four hours in the last two days. His body, which was sore all over in the most wonderful way, was grateful for the rest, and Merlin slept on, even through Lance looking in on him twice to make sure he was still alive.

[--]

Life went back to almost normal after that. Merlin and Lance fell back into their easy routine with no mention of Lance’s admission of love for an unknown, unavailable lady. He and Arthur text each other every moment they got. It was always something terribly mundane like news about work or football scores or something entirely useless. But at the end of every message there was a small, perfect, x. A kiss that could be explained away by habit, but that they both knew stood for so much more.

On December 30 Merlin left work early because it was surprisingly quiet, and when he got home, Gwen was there. She was sitting awkwardly on a dining room chair, hands in her lap like she was a visitor and not in her own home. She looked surprised to see Merlin, but smiled at him anyway as they hugged. 

“Are you back early?” Merlin asked, stepping into the kitchen to put the kettle on. 

“No, I just…” Gwen said, and, though Merlin waited to hear more, she didn't seem like she was going to say anything else. Suddenly it was plainly obvious to Merlin that Gwen had something important and awful to say to him, and his heart dropped to his stomach and kept on going. This was it. She knew.  She knew about him and Arthur. Shit. He considered not even making tea, worried it might end up being thrown in his face, but he knew Gwen wasn't about to throw tea on anyone, regardless of how much he might deserve it. So he picked up the tea and braced himself for the oncoming storm. 

Gwen was back at the dining table, and she was obviously struggling not to cry. 

Merlin look a deep breath, ready to apologise, when Gwen spoke, “I think there's something wrong with me.”

Merlin shifted gears so quickly his brain got whiplash. The first terrifying thought he had was that Gwen was pregnant, and Merlin stared into space for a few long seconds imagining that horrifying future before he dragged himself back to their conversation. 

“What do you mean, are you ill?” Merlin asked, trying to sound worried while a lifetime of being “Uncle Merlin” to Arthur's child paraded around his mind. 

“No, nothing like that. It's just…” and she paused again. Merlin wanted to shake her.

“Yes?” Merlin said, and Gwen looked like she was making her mind up. 

“It's Arthur, actually. We don't seem to be getting along all that well these days. It feels strange talking to you about this, Merlin. I know we used to talk about Arthur a lot but you two are much closer now, and… I don't know.”

Merlin definitely did not twirl his thumb ring. 

“Gwen, you can tell me anything. My being friends with Arthur doesn't change our friendship.” Merlin said, and it sounded like someone else's voice. Some other Merlin's life. 

Gwen laughed a sort of strangled laugh and began to cry properly. Merlin reached out to hug her, afraid that she would push him away, but knowing he deserved it if she did. She let him hug her, and then pulled away, wiping her eyes. “It isn't...we aren't arguing or anything, but I just feel like something has changed.”

Merlin definitely did not twirl his thumb ring. 

“It isn't even that Arthur has done anything. He's been as wonderful as always, but it doesn't feel the same, somehow.” Here Gwen paused and she looked down the short corridor towards her and Arthur's room. Merlin followed her gaze and absently noticed that Lance had left his door open. Gwen looked back at him, “Being back home with Arthur has been hard for me for some reason. All the plans we have are harder to imagine, maybe? And we miss  _ you _ .” Gwen held Merlin's hand and looked down at it. She could see his ring, but she didn't mention it. When she looked back Merlin tried to smile. “It's almost like without you between us, something fundamental is missing.”

Merlin found it difficult to talk to Gwen with the truth bursting to come out, but he somehow made it through a second cup of tea. It was only after Gwen left that Merlin realised she had come back hoping to talk to Lance, and not to him. 

In any case Merlin showed up at Gwaine and Percy's house with a half empty bottle of cheap vodka about an hour after Gwen left. 

Percy answered the door, and Merlin looked blurily up at him. “You're  _ tall _ .” 

Percy swore under his breath and shouted over his shoulder. “Gwaine, darling, our young friend needs a babysitter again!” 

[--]

The upshot of Merlin’s drunken escape into the domestic bliss of Percy and Gwaine’s home was that it made Merlin miss Arthur with a violence that was almost palpable. He moved about the flat the next day dreading his shift at the bar that night. Serving that many drunk people without Arthur by his side to joke with seemed suddenly unbearable.

Lance seemed to be dreading it as well. Something was making him jumpy, in any case, and he and Merlin were more distant than ever. Their walk to work to start the shift was silent and gloomy, causing Gwaine to ask them who had died when they arrived at work. Neither of them really laughed at his joke, but Gwaine shrugged off their bad moods and his expansively good mood was contagious, so that when the supplemental staff (most hired in from agencies) arrived to help them cover the shift, Merlin was starting to feel almost cheerful. It was less than a week before Gwen and Arthur returned and, though he was determined, once again, to call a halt to his and Arthur’s physical relationship until things were sorted out with Gwen, simply thinking of being in his same space again was enough to pull Merlin through.

His good mood rocketed through the roof when one of the relief workers turned out to be Arthur. Gwaine made a knowing smile and a few rude gestures behind Arthur’s back when Merlin greeted him with a perfectly friendly hello, and Merlin widened his eyes in shock, because Lance was wandering around somewhere and the last thing Merlin needed was for Lance to find out about him and Arthur.

Speaking of Lance, he was the only person that night who seemed to not be happy to see Arthur, but that wasn’t surprising as he seemed to be in an acidic bad mood that ruined anything it got too close to.

Before the night was over, Gwaine motioned Merlin over, “I know we're heaving and we can't spare either of you, but because I love you so much, I'm sending you and Arthur home to see the bells in. And you definitely owe me one.”

So Arthur and Merlin walked home together as fast as they could through the crowds, and they, as if by silent consent, went straight up the stairs to the mezzanine. Arthur opened the skylight and Merlin grabbed a blanket from his bed, and they escaped to the rooftop. They bundled into the blanket and sat on the pitched roof, their backs to the gable end, looking out over the city. You couldn't see much, but when the fireworks started, they wouldn't miss them.

“Gwen came to see me yesterday.” Merlin started, knowing they didn't have time to talk about anything else. 

“Is that where she was?” Arthur asked, curious but uninterested. 

Merlin took a deep breath and he held onto Arthur's hand for dear life. “In the joy of being together, and the thrill of getting away with it, the enormity of our betrayal has gotten lost in the repetition.” Merlin said, his voice shaking. “When I think back to that first afternoon where every glance was risky, and every touch a betrayal… the only thing that has changed since then is we've gotten brave, and increased the severity of our crimes.”

Arthur turned away from the city and Merlin could feel his eyes on him. He knew this conversation was going to end in misery, but he had to finish what he started. So he went on, “I think if we wanted to spare Gwen's feelings, we went about things in exactly the wrong way. It's only taken me six months to figure this out because I was selfishly blinded by my own happiness. But this has to stop. We have to stop.”

“It's her birthday in two weeks.” Arthur said, and the raw anguish in his voice tore into Merlin like knives. “I'll tell her after that.”

Merlin wondered how long this would take to settle down and decided that a generous estimate meant it would be another six months before he could be with Arthur again. Six long,  long months. 

They didn't speak after that, they just sat there under the blanket, holding hands, occasionally wiping the tears from their eyes, and watching the fireworks blaze over the city.

[--]

Arthur and Merlin spent the night in Merlin’s bed, holding each other close, and in the morning, Arthur rose early and went back home to Gwen. The empty days between then and term time passed in a fog for Merlin who knew that, though they were finally doing the right thing, it was not going to be easy for him, at all. He knew they could lose Gwen completely. It was altogether possible that she would refuse to see them again, ever. And that outcome, though something they rightly deserved, was unacceptable to Merlin, who needed Gwen, and had needed her since he could remember. There was no one to blame but himself. When Arthur offered himself to Merlin, Merlin should have insisted that he end things with Gwen, first. That was how it should have gone.

Merlin stood up for himself by saying that when it had started it had only been one week, a handful of incidents, and he had thought that would be the end of it. But there were no real excuses, and he knew it. The thrill of the secret and his own happiness at having Arthur as a partner had driven thoughts of Gwen far from his mind, and now it came down to this. They would be honest with Gwen, and it was up to Gwen to decide what happened after that.

When Arthur and Gwen arrived back for the start of the term, Merlin tried to be the cheerful one. Gwen was withdrawn, Lance was awkward, and Arthur was sullen, so Merlin tried to rally them all. He borrowed a bit from Gwaine’s constant happiness, and a bit from Elyan's exuberance, but nothing he did seemed to work, and by the end of the first week he was tired of trying. Gwen and Lance spent their evenings quietly on the sofa, neither of them really watching the telly. Arthur and Merlin were usually in their rooms, studying. Any meals they shared were subdued, and when Arthur, Merlin and Lance worked together there was a constant cloud of gloom that seeped into all of their conversations.

Gwen decided she wanted to out all four of them together for her birthday. This made a drastic change from the past two years when Arthur and Gwen seized on the opportunity to exclude Merlin because of a special occasion. Merlin agreed to come, but he was not looking forward to it.

On the night everyone dressed in their smart clothes and trooped down the lane to the Indian restaurant. It was busy, but Gwen had booked ahead and they were seated at once. Nobody spoke until after the meal was served, and even then the conversation was halting.

It was halfway through his curry that Merlin noticed Lance and Gwen’s glances meeting more frequently, and the shameful familiarity of the action sort of clicked all of the other puzzle pieces into place. Lance was in love with someone who was unavailable. Lance disliked Arthur now, though when they had first met they had been easy friends. Gwen came to Glasgow to talk to Lance and not to Merlin.

Merlin suddenly wondered whether Lance had taken his poor advice, had confessed his feelings, and that ever since then Gwen had decided she had feelings for him right back. 

How had he missed this?

Suddenly the way ahead seemed much more straightforward. Before the end of the meal Merlin followed Gwen to the ladies room, pulling her away from any sort of crowd and whispering to her, “You have feelings for Lance, don’t you?”

Gwen’s eyes widened to an almost comical degree, and tears began to form. Merlin embraced Gwen with an easiness he had not felt since June, and he made calming, shushing noises against her ear. Then he pushed her away and levelled a very serious look at her.

“I think we all need to sit down and have a talk.” Merlin said, and Gwen nodded as she wiped tears from her eyes. “Not now, though. Let’s finish the meal and get home. Yeah? It’s alright Gwen, I won’t say anything.”

“But he’s your b...bes...best friend.” Gwen said, breaking down in tears again. Merlin held her close and moved her to where he could signal Arthur and Lance that he was taking Gwen home. He had prior experience here and knew that once Gwen got started crying like this, there was no stopping her. He couldn’t get their attention so he got his phone out and text Arthur,  _ Taking Gwen home. Get the food boxed up, bring our jackets and come after us. _ Then he and Gwen walked home, Merlin feeling like a sham of a friend for comforting her when he and Arthur were about to tell her everything.

He got Gwen settled into the sofa and sat down next to her. “Gwen, please don’t be so upset.” He tried, but she just sat there, hiccuping and looking miserable.  _ Just wait _ , Merlin thought,  _ your misery is about to increase tenfold. _

Lance and Arthur barged through the door a few minutes later and Merlin and Gwen both jumped up, looking wide-eyed at them, as they stood on the other side of the sofa.

“Arthur, I wanted to say…”

“Gwen, I have something I need to tell you…” They both began, and then Arthur stepped forward and said, “No, I need to go first.”

Gwen looked confused as Arthur set everything down that he had been carrying and came around the sofa to talk to her. He didn’t try to reach for her, but he glanced at Merlin who nodded at him. They were ready.

“We've been together for about two years now, and I know we planned to marry and spend our lives together, but I can’t do that anymore. As much as I love you, and I do love you, Gwen, I want you to know that, but I love someone else more.”

Gwen sank down. Lance gripped the back of the sofa very tightly, and Merlin did his best not to reach for Arthur. It wasn’t time, yet.

“I think you know that things have changed between us, and that’s all my fault. I fell in love with someone else. For a long time I denied it, I decided that no matter what I would be there for you, but that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us, and I’m sorry.”

Gwen looked up at Arthur, then she looked at Lance, and then she spoke. “I fell in love with someone else, too.” she said, and her voice was so small it was barely audible in the big room. Arthur looked shocked, and then he looked at Gwen’s shoulder where Lance’s hand now rested, and his mouth fell open in a wide “O”.

And that was the end of Arthur and Gwen.

But Merlin knew that wasn’t the end of the things they had to tell her, and he wished Lance weren’t there, but now was the time, and they had to get it out into the open.

“I need to apologise too, Gwen.” Merlin said, and two sets of eyes found him where he was standing, a little apart from the rest of them, Arthur was looking at the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I’m the person Arthur fell in love with.”

Gwen’s face registered shock, and she looked back at Arthur who did not look up. Lance looked like he wanted to punch someone. Merlin knew they both deserved it. Gwen kept looking back and forth between the two of them, Merlin standing by the window, and Arthur’s bowed head.

“Do you love him back?” Gwen whispered. Arthur’s eyes flew up and met Merlin’s, and Merlin nodded. She looked at her hands folded over her party dress and Merlin remembered that today was her birthday. Somehow that made things worse. She was very still, and they were all very quiet. It seemed like she was working things out in her head, and when she was done, she gave a sort of dead sounding laugh. “It’s been months, hasn’t it.” Gwen squeezed her eyes shut. “You’ve been seeing each other for months.”

Merlin thought it was rather brave of Arthur to not move from Gwen’s side as the realisations hit her, especially with Lance towering over them with an avenging look on his face. Merlin spoke, because it didn’t seem like Arthur was capable of admitting it. He waited until Gwen looked at him, and then he said, “June. The week before school ended. And before you ask your next question, the answer is yes, we’ve been together.” Merlin spoke quickly, and he put a specific stress on the last word so that he didn’t have to say  _ had sex _ or  _ shagged _ .

Gwen nodded and swallowed, and Arthur finally looked up at her. And she slapped him, hard. He flinched but otherwise he didn’t move. Lance, though, Lance moved. He stepped around the sofa and he grabbed Arthur by the back of the shirt and he lifted him into the air. Gwen was silent, still sitting on the sofa and Merlin was trying to think of a way to stop Lance, but they were fighting now, mostly pushing at each other and shouting, then Lance threw a punch that didn’t miss, and Arthur went down, clutching his nose. Merlin leapt over the sofa and stood between them. Lance looked like he was going to punch Merlin, too, but Gwen stopped him.

“Stop!” She said, and it wasn’t even a shout. She walked calmly around the sofa and Lance went to her and held both of her hands in hers. He looked angry enough to set Arthur and Merlin on fire, but Gwen was just staring with empty eyes. Lance began to explain why Arthur and Merlin deserved to have the shit kicked out of them, when Gwen said, “We’ve been together, too, don’t forget, Lance.”

Gwen's voice was an empty, emotionless thing, and Merlin thought she might be in shock.  “Six months!” Lance said, glaring at Arthur and Merlin.

Gwen still stared at nothing, then said, in her new voice made of stone, “And if Merlin hadn’t figured it out, wouldn’t we have kept seeing each other behind Arthur’s back?”

Arthur stood, he was holding a scarf against his bleeding nose, and there was already a purple bruise colouring his face, sweeping up around his right eye. Merlin was afraid to touch him. Lance was still looking daggers at them, and Gwen wasn't looking at them at all, and even though Merlin knew he deserved it, it completely broke his heart.

He tried to think of something to say, but nothing came to him, so he just said her name, softly. She looked up, but at Arthur, not at him. 

“We are only eighteen, Arthur, and things changed. It was foolish of us to think we had everything figured out. I won’t hold your falling in love against you. How could I, when the same thing happened to me?” Gwen's voice was nothing like her, and the wrongness of everything they'd done crashed around Merlin again, ricocheting through him, and he wanted to fall to the ground and beg for her forgiveness. 

Finally she looked at Merlin and her eyes were glass marbles, her voice sharp as a flint. “You should have told me. I've known you my whole life, Merlin. I would have done anything for you. And you've lied to me. Every second of every day for six months. And I can never forgive you for that.”

Merlin knew, he knew he deserved it. He knew he should have been the one to stop them, and all of his pathetic attempts were disgustingly pitiful. And now he had lost Gwen, maybe forever, and there was no one to blame but himself. 

Gwen turned away from them and Merlin felt Arthur tugging his arm. Arthur and Lance both started talking, Arthur trying to get Merlin to leave and Lance trying to throw them out, but all Merlin noticed was the small shudder that went through Gwen as she hid her face in her hands. It was small, but it was utterly broken, and Merlin reached for her again wanting to do something,  anything to fix this. 

Then she spoke again, her toneless voice terrifying in its finality. “Please leave.” And Arthur succeeded in pulling Merlin away, down the corridor to the front door. 

Lance had followed them, possibly to secure the locks after they had left, and Arthur said, “Love her better than I did.”

Lance let out an acidic laugh and said, “That won't be hard.” And then Merlin and Arthur were on the other side of the door.

Arthur hailed a cab and it took them to A&E where Arthur got his nose x-rayed and set. Merlin sat with him but he wasn't really present. He felt all of the colour drain out of his life as he pictured, again and again, Gwen's unfeeling eyes and her small shudder. Arthur was silent, too, both of them reeling from the aftermath of the confrontation. It had probably gone as well as could be expected, but the devastation was incredible, and Merlin was in ruins. 

After the hospital they went to the only place they could think of. Gwaine ushered them in without much fanfare and Percy met them in the corridor with a bag of frozen peas. The sofa bed was already pulled out with sheets on it. Merlin looked between Percy and Gwaine, and Gwaine shrugged and said, “We were expecting you.” 

Percy handed the peas to Arthur and added, “Though we thought it would be Merlin with the black eye.”

[--]

Things happened quickly after that, and without much input from Merlin, who was struggling under the weight of everything they had done. Lance quit his job at the bar and Gwaine told them he was working in an environmental law office now.

Arthur found out from his father that Gwen had found new accommodation in student housing. Where Lance ended up no one knew, but Merlin doubted he was homeless. 

After Gwen and Lance left, Merlin and Arthur moved back to the flat. Merlin kept his mezzanine room, and Arthur returned to the room he had shared with Gwen. Sometimes they slept together, sometimes they slept apart, but neither of them felt like being intimate. 

Merlin spent a lot of time wandering the campus hoping to spot Gwen, but every time he did he lost his nerve and just watched her walk away. 

He knew that for as much as he was struggling, Arthur surely was feeling worse, but Merlin hadn't the words to comfort him. And one sorry Friday, Merlin came home from work to see that Arthur had made him dinner, and he instantly broke down in tears.

“What? What is it?” Arthur asked, rushing at him with his apron on and still wearing an oven glove. Merlin let himself be held, and he sobbed into Arthur’s shoulder for a few minutes before he pulled away.

“I miss her.” He said. The look of sadness in Arthur’s eyes stabbed Merlin like a knife. Arthur clearly missed Gwen as well, every single day, and it was Merlin’s fault that Gwen was gone from their lives. “If it weren’t for me, you and Gwen would still be together, and you wouldn’t be so sad.”

Arthur cupped Merlin’s chin in his hand and forced him to look up. “Maybe I would be with her, but I would be miserable. I miss her, of course I do, very much and all the time. But I love you. If I were still with her I wouldn’t be happy. I want to be with you, Merlin. You.”

Merlin broke down again, and Arthur held him. It was ridiculous for Merlin to be the one being comforted, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the possible future they could have been living in if Arthur and Gwen had still been together. Arthur would be as happy as ever, and Gwen and Merlin would still be best friends, and it broke Merlin’s heart that that couldn’t ever be possible anymore.

It didn't help that Merlin kept convincing himself that either Arthur regretted committing himself to a gay lover, or he was only interested in Merlin if it was illicit. So as February drew on to March, Merlin wondered whether the colour would ever come back into his life.

[--]

The week before Merlin’s birthday was particularly difficult, as Merlin felt the absence of Gwen quite keenly. Arthur was acting strange and distant, as well, and that, added onto a full course load which was keeping Merlin out at the library more often than not, meant that his birthday dawned quietly, and he barely noticed.

He and Arthur had made plans to stay in that night, and Arthur promised to make him something special for dinner, but when Merlin got home from his late class, Arthur was sitting on the steps, wearing the outfit he had worn at Christmas.

“What's this?” Merlin asked, as he locked the door behind them. 

“I was wondering, Merlin, whether you would care to join me on a date?” Arthur said, and from behind his back he produced a bunch of flowers. Merlin felt his cheeks colour. 

“We’ve never been on a date together.” Merlin said, smiling.

“I know that.” Arthur replied, smiling crookedly and stepping closer to Merlin. 

Merlin looked down at the flowers. They were beautiful. Dark reds and blues with thistle and heather. He looked back up at Arthur, “Thank you for my flowers.”

“You’re welcome.” Arthur said, and he kissed Merlin gently, “Now go get dressed. We have reservations.”

Merlin showered and dressed as quickly as he could. Arthur had gotten his Christmas outfit out as well, and had ironed everything and hung it on the back of the bathroom door. As he stupidly tried to tie the bow tie himself, Merlin almost laughed at his reflection in the mirror. He hadn’t laughed in weeks. 

Arthur helped him tie the bow tie, and he helped Merlin shoulder into his jacket as well. They walked outside and along the lane to the restaurant that Arthur had chosen. It was across the street from where they worked, upstairs, and it was the smallest, most romantic Italian restaurant Merlin had ever seen. Each of the six tables only had two chairs, and there were flowers and candles at each of them. Merlin began to blush again.

Throughout the meal they talked and laughed and smiled. Their knees brushed and Merlin’s body began to ache again with wanting. They held hands over the table, and they turned away from each other, blushing. At some point during dinner, the colour started to seep slowly back into Merlin's life.

Arthur paid the bill as Merlin walked down to the cobbled lane. When Arthur reached him he threw an arm over Merlin’s shoulder and lead him across the street to the bar they both worked in. Merlin gave him a quizzical look, but Arthur just kept smiling.

“Gwaine!” Arthur shouted, stepping up to the bar.

“Evening Arthur, looking sharp tonight! What can I get you?” Gwaine asked, in full bartender mode.

“Nothing at all, I just stopped in to say hello. Oh, sorry, let me introduce you; this is Merlin, my boyfriend.” Arthur said, and he made a show of presenting Merlin.

“Nice to meet you, Merlin, I’m Gwaine, Arthur's boss.” Gwaine said, and Merlin shook his hand, all three of them laughing.

On their walk home Arthur called his sister and his father and told them both that he was seeing someone new. His father wasn’t that interested, which didn’t surprise anyone, but his sister was desperately curious. When Arthur admitted that it was Merlin, her squeal of delight and surprise was loud enough for them both to hear.

When they got home Merlin hung up both of their coats on the rack beside the door and Arthur locked them in.

“Thank you for that, Arthur.” Merlin said, hugging Arthur from behind. Arthur turned around and held his gaze.

“I just wanted you to know that you’re not a secret any more.” Arthur said, and his voice was soft, his cheeks tinted pink. Merlin kissed him, long and gentle, his hands at the side of Arthur’s face, then he broke away and went to lead Arthur up the stairs.

“Wait, there are gifts.” Arthur said, dragging Merlin instead towards the dining room table. Merlin’s flowers were there in a vase that Merlin didn’t know they owned, and beside them was an envelope with his Mum’s writing on it. Merlin opened it And inside was a generic birthday card, but his Mum had written:  _ I’m looking forward to seeing you for dinner. I hope Arthur is as good of a cook as you have always said he was. Plus I’ll get to see the flat again! See you on Sunday! xx Mum. _

“She’s coming here for dinner?” Merlin asked, smiling all over his face. Arthur nodded and handed Merlin a blank card, and an envelope with Gwen's name and address on it.

“I know she won't ever forgive us, but I know you miss her, and I thought this could be where you start.”

Merlin could feel the tears sliding down his face. Arthur wiped them away. “I do miss her.” Merlin nodded, looking down at the blank card and wondering what of the thousand things he had to say he could possibly put into words.

“I never apologised to you, Merlin. This was all my fault. You told me and told me to end things with her. If I had listened to you sooner maybe we wouldn't be here.” Arthur said, and Merlin shook his head.

“It isn't your fault, Arthur. It's mine. I should have stopped us.”

Arthur seemed to shrink before him, and when Arthur looked up there were tears in his eyes, too. “Do you want us to stop? Because I can understand if you don't want to be with me anymore.”

Merlin dropped the card on the table and threw himself at Arthur and Arthur stumbled backwards, nearly knocking a chair over. He laughed, “Careful!”

“I don’t want to be careful.” Merlin said, kissing him with intent. Then he dragged Arthur upstairs by his waistcoat and they stood in Merlin’s room and undressed each other. It was slow, soft, and methodical. There was something about Arthur undoing his buttons that lit Merlin on fire every time, and he bit his lip, waiting for Arthur to finish. 

“I want to unbutton all of your shirts for you.” Arthur said, drawing his hands slowly across Merlin’s newly exposed skin.

“We’ll have wardrobes full of them.” Merlin whispered, watching, his entire body tensed, as Arthur took a small step back and surveyed Merlin’s half naked form. “And I’ll probably still wear yours.”

Arthur laughed as he looked Merlin up and down. “You’re exquisite.” He said, and his voice was full of promises.

“Touch me, Arthur.” Merlin replied, his breath held. A wicked, wicked light burned in Arthur's eyes as he prowled back to Merlin.

“Just try and stop me.” Arthur purred, and his hands were on Merlin, as hot and needy as they had been in June, and Merlin's hands were on Arthur, and he was breathless and lightheaded and so, so in love.

[--]

Later that night they returned to the roof, wrapped tightly in a blanket, but otherwise unclothed. They tucked themselves back against the gable end and looked out over the city. At some point, unbeknownst to Merlin, Arthur had strung lines of fairy lights along the rooftop, and he lit them now. Arthur's smile was beautiful in the sparkling light. Merlin had vague notions of coming out here in the warmer months and making love under the stars, but it was far too cold for that, now.

“I wonder, Arthur.” Merlin began, but he lost his nerve and cleared his throat instead. Everything that had transpired between them felt weighty in his mind.

“What is it?” Arthur asked, resting his head on Merlin's shoulder. Beneath the blanket Arthur had Merlin's left hand in both of his, and he was twisting Merlin's ring around his thumb absentmindedly. Merlin tried again.

“I know we're still young, and obviously things can change… but I wonder if you would maybe consider marrying  _ me _ ? You know, some day.”

Arthur looked up at Merlin, his face aglow with the hundreds of lights that surrounded them, and he smiled a smile so soft and warm that Merlin felt tears sting the back of his eyes.

“I know we're still young, but I don't think how I feel about you is  _ ever _ going to change. So, yes. I will happily marry you.”

And they kissed there, on that rooftop, wrapped only in a blanket in the bitter cold of a Glasgow March and Merlin's world burst with colour. They both cried, and they looked out over the city they now called home, then they started to laugh and decided it was far too cold to be sitting on a rooftop in March wrapped only in a blanket.

Sometime in the dawn of the following day, Arthur spoke, softly, “I'm enjoying having the flat to ourselves.”

Merlin laughed, “I think we should advertise for flatmates.”

“Immediately.” Arthur said, and Merlin knew their future would be filled with sex on kitchen counters in the dead of night, and silently on the mezzanine while the television was on downstairs, and his body thrummed with anticipation.

 

**Fin.**


End file.
